I am specifically writing about my inability to see myself the way others are apparently seeing me.
I truly and honestly have absolutely no idea what I look like. The best way for me to explain this to you, is by saying this: Yes, I can look at these 2 photos taken just over 1 year apart, and I can see that there is a difference in my size, my shape, and my face. But in my head, I still look the way I do in that old picture.
If you were to line up 20 women ranging in sizes from small, to medium, to large and extra large, and you asked me to fit myself in where I believe that I belonged? I would squish myself in towards the larger end of that line-up.
It is starting to drive me out of my mind. I was feeling pretty good for awhile...but lately? I feel self-conscious, and unsure. I also wonder why I really care at all what I look like or how others see me.
The whole purpose of me losing weight was to live a better and healthier life, and I am doing that. However, somewhere late in the game - maybe the past 2 months - image has started to play a role as well. I wish it wasn't, but this is apparently quite normal.
I had a beautiful co-worker of mine sit me down last week because something I had said to her had got her thinking that I was struggling in this exact place - a place that she herself had struggled in the past. This is a woman who I strive to someday look like, be her size. Thing is, I don't think I'll know when I get there - not without some help.
She had some pretty amazing things to say, and gave me some profound advice and even a few tips of things I could do to get through this block.
R.K. suggested that I go out with a trusted friend and have them do a few comparisons to show me where I fit in. We could relax on a patio somewhere, watch people go by, and my friend could point out other women and show me who I am bigger than and who I am smaller than. R.K. figures I would be pretty shocked by the analysis...I am sure I would be.
She also suggested having some friends write down for me what they see when they look at me, and compare that list against my own.
I believe that when people look at me, and get to know me, they would likely say they see (in pretty much this order):
And now that I have typed that out, all honest n' stuff, I can see that I have listed them from negative to positive. Funny, because I am always and forever telling people that I love that I wish they could see themselves the way that I see them. And when I look at people? I always go positive first, and rarely ever see anything else.
What the hell is that anyways? Why do we torture ourselves with this brutal internal banter?
Granted, I don't do it all the time, and I have definitely found that as I shed pounds this past year, I banished some old negative voices and thoughts in my head - thank Christ for that! And I really was feeling pretty great for awhile. It's just this past few weeks that I feel stuck here, feeling my way around this place I have never been before.
I am more than open to any and all advice at this point, and I will likely be going to see my trusty therapist in the next few weeks to hammer this out with her as well.
Right now though, I just needed to get it out of my system. And maybe take a step way outside my comfort zone and ask for some help....before my friends end up having to visit me in the Royal Ottawa Hospital.
Anyone wanna go out for a drink with me and people watch? Pretty please and thank you very much.