Or was that just me?
I definitely remember thinking that by the time the year 2000 rolled around, we would be living on the moon and flying around like the Jetsons. And I also remember thinking that when the year 2000 finally rolled over, I would be almost old enough for marriage and babies.
And now here we are in 2010, and I'm still not sure I'm ready for all of that. And I'm not 100% sure that I have what it takes, to be honest.
Lately, I have been watching my friends who have kids....and I am blown away by the strength and patience you all have. And I am exhausted just watching you.
When the kids are small, and they are crying and unable to tell you what they need from you, I can see that the adults are sometimes near ready to tear their hair out from frustration and sleep exhaustion.
And when they are a wee bit older, just starting to really push against you to make their own decisions and test how far they can go, you look like you could push them over a cliff at times.
Wait. Have you reached the teen years yet? I remember what I was like as a teen - pretty much an asshole.
And that's just dealing with your own kids. What about when you have to deal with other kids? What if some jerk is calling your little girl "fatso"?, or some schoolyard bully is shoving your son around and demanding lunch money? or the "mean girl" is calling your daughter a slut? What do you do then?
I know what I'd want to do....
Many of my close friends, and even my mother, have told me that "I definitely want kids" and that "it would be a disservice for me not to have kids"... but I sometimes wonder if I have what it takes. It's such a huge commitment, a lifelong project, and it's got to be really freaking hard sometimes, no!?!?!
Now, there is a chance that I may someday eat my words, and find myself with feet in stirrups, ice chips close at hand, longing to see my feet again, and cursing because I'm naked from the waist down and haven't been able to bend over long enough to shave my legs in 6 weeks... but my whole point here, is that I marvel...I am truly in awe...I have enormous respect for anyone who summons the courage to have children.
It's selfless, often thankless, exhausting, and in my eyes? Heroic.
I've been watching lately...and that's just how I see it.
I hope that you are having an awesome day!
Maybe there is something I am missing about myself...something I am not yet aware of...but I truly and honestly do not feel or believe that I am someone who seeks out attention. Certainly not on a conscious level. Although I have been accused of such behaviour 2x in the past 6 months...and of course, it got me thinking. Am I that girl!?! Jesus, I hope not.
While I am hardly a wallflower, I didn't seek attention before I lost weight, and I don't do it now.
I am authentically me. And who I am (I should specify - when I am not at work) is someone flirty, quirky, fun, full of life and energy, who laughs at all the wrong moments louder than anyone else, who could make friends with a tree stump.
And I am also someone who shies away from attention.
I blush at the "you're pretty" comments, and I am not at all comfortable when people stare too long, or look too closely. I am embarrassed and fidgety with obvious attention from men, and I don't feel the need to be in the spotlight.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think that if you have positive energy, if you smile at people, mind your P's and Q's as my Grandmother would say, and if you exude happiness...then people will want to be near you.
Positive breeds positive. It's not rocket science.
None of these things mean that you are consciously looking for the attention you may happen to receive, but yes, there is absolutely a payoff to being the type of person who others feel drawn to.
The payoff? People like you.
Nobody wants to be around the girl who is constantly moaning on about negative things, interrupting to get her cheap 2 cents in, or who demands to be the centre of attention all the time. Nobody likes the guy who is a know-it-all smart-ass, a right-fighter, or an antagonistic jerk. If you are that person? Don't you kind of deserve to have someone tell you so? And don't you also kind of deserve to have just a few friends? with the patience of a saint, might I add?
My advice? Smile, say 'hello', 'thank you' and 'please'. People like that. And make sure that you enjoy all the positive energy that comes your way from doing it, too. I know I will.
I know who I am...and who I work hard to be. Hardly a wallflower, but not exactly Snookie, either.
I hope that you are having an awesome day!
Trainer Mike asked me the other day why I have set 151 as my total weight loss goal... Why not 150? Why not 145? Why not 160? What if I ended up losing 150.8? Not good enough. I want 151.
I have felt for many years that the number I will be at when I reach my goal - my weight on the scale, which I may share online someday. Maybe. - will be manageable for me. I will be happy with the way I have to eat to stay there, and I will be happy with how often and how hard I have to work out to stay there.
I have no intention of killing myself at the gym everyday for the rest of my life, and I have no intention of eating salad 2x a day for the rest of my life. That is not sustainable, and it is not enjoyable to me.
I want a balance. I want to occasionally enjoy a good burger and sweet potato fries, and I want to skip the gym for a weekend away without guilt. I want to work out doing things that I love, and I want to continue exploring new foods and healthy ways of living. (side note: I just discovered that while I HATE broccoli, but I really like broccoli sprouts!!!)
Anyways, I believe in symbols, signs, and fate. And it was my darling Dolce who pointed out something very cool to me not long ago about these pictures:
Check me out in these photos taken 1 year apart for the same event... focus on the difference in the bib numbers. 10710 minus 10559 = 151.
I did 101 in 1 year. I have 50 left to go. And 1 year to do it.
And that's why my goal is 151, and not 150.
I hope you are having an awesome day!
I am now ready to admit that of my 104 lbs that I had lost, I had gained back 8. Yes, 8. Over the course of the past 6 weeks, having my mobility so insanely limited, and really sinking into an almost depressive state over it, I gained 8 freaking pounds.
Seriously!?! F*@K!!! Oh, you cannot imagine how incredibly pissed off I was at Weight Watchers when I went and weighed in 10 days ago - another 3lb gain. WTF!?! I was so cantankerous, that I couldn't even summon the energy to stick around for the meeting. I went home, and did what I always do when negative things happen to me... I allowed myself one. last. night. I wanted to eat....so I did. I had Subway. Funny how 1.5 years ago you would have found me near drowning in a massive tub of ice cream or lost in a bag of chips, and now I'm just so mad I could eat Subway!!!
So yes, I allowed myself one last night to be pissed off, sad, angry and upset. And then I forced myself back up, dusted myself off, stood straight, faced forward and kept going. One foot in front of the other.
I also called upon Feather. I needed to vent, and I needed help. Her first question? "Have you scaled back what you have been eating to compensate for the lack of exercise?"
Ummmmmmm....NO. What a brick to the head moment that was! Duh! It never even dawned on me that I should consider doing that. And really? How could it? It's not like I have ever increased my food to fuel me through workouts before this past 6 months...so to scale them back when I am injured? Well that's a brand new concept for lil' ol' me.
For the whole next week, I scaled it back by about 400 calories a day, and I tried super hard to move more - walking is about the best I can do these days. (Stupid back.)
And it worked!!! I lost 5 of those stupid 8 pounds.
I really feel like it was a temporary 2 steps back that I took - but it was also a lesson that I had to learn. Not just about the calories being reduced, but also the need to ask for help, and admit defeat when you need to.
Sometimes, you just have to rally in the troops. The people who will lend a hand, and ear, and a swift kick to the arse. When you work hard to accomplish something, and it slowly starts slipping away, you may have to ask for help to hold on to it. I'm super thankful that I did.
I hope that you are having an awesome day!
In 20 days, I will be the proud owner of my very own 1 bedroom + den condo. The choice to sell my house was a difficult one that I took time debating over, but it was the right decision for me. And it was the right decision for now.
Check out my new place!! http://www.grapevine.on.ca/listing.cgi?id=29065
I have never really lived alone. I'm 33 years old, and it's time to check out what this is like, to face myself, and the silence...and embrace both.
I have lived with family, and I have lived with friends. I have lived with friends who became family to me, and friends who are no longer in my life at all. And I have taken in the occasional 'stray' who needed a place to crash for awhile until their lives were sorted out, or school was finished, or they moved on to the place they were meant to be.
It isn't always easy to share your life and your space with other people, and it's even more difficult to navigate friendships through all of those changes as well.
I have learned a lot by living with other people. Some good. Some bad. Some I will work on, and some I won't.
And I would be lying if I didn't say that it has occured to me...what if I'm lonely? Is that even possible? Especially since I am choosing this solitude? I like the definition of solitude that I found online at Wikipedia:
Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, infectious disease, mental disorders, or circumstances of employment or situation (see castaway).
Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy. Many religions promote solitude for meditation. [1] [2]
A distinction can be made between physical and mental seclusion. People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly.
Another distinction has been made between solitude and loneliness. In this sense solitude is positive.
For me, this choice is all positive. And for the first time in a very long time, this choice is all about me. I tend to set myself up as the 'glue', the social coordinator, the caretaker, the mom, shrink and chauffeur to the people around me who need those things. And I thoroughly enjoy those roles....trust me, I wouldn't offer to do it, if I truly didn't want to do it.
But the flip side, is that I can often forget about myself, my goals, and my sanity.
And I have learned this past year that saying 'no' feels awfully good sometimes.
Choosing a Friday or Saturday night to go to bed at 8:30 if I want to, or to stay in my jammies with a good book for a whole Sunday, or being truly indulgent and having a nice hot bath for an hour? Those are all things that I rarely give myself permission to do.
I expect that's all going to change now that I am creating my own little haven in this busy world. I tend to sell sanctuary (who remembers that old song by The Cult!?) to people who need a comfortable place to lay low for awhile, and it's time I did the same for me.
This is my time. To finish up losing the 151 lbs I set out to lose, to shed any remaining barriers and negative beliefs, and to prove to myself that I can do absolutely anything I want.
I don't believe that I will ever feel lonely - to me, that almost feels like a feeling I can choose to accept or not. I know that even if I do ever get the twinge of feeling lonely, it will go away as quickly as it came - because I am not alone. I am completely surrounded, and totally loved by an incredible number of people on this planet. And so are you.
As long as I hold on to that, I know that I will never be lonely.... You hold on to that, too.
I hope that you are having an awesome day!
