Yes. Or. No.

So, as a follow up to yesterday's blog, I did get a reply from my friend - FINALLY. 8 long and confusing days later. And getting that answer really felt like pulling teeth - when it was ultimately very simple, and could have easily been given days, or a whole week prior.

Prior, at least, to me analyzing and reliving every last minute of our time together.

Anyways, the email basically said that he wasn't ready for a relationship with me, or anybody else at this time. Nor the good and bad drama that goes along with being in a relationship. Whatever that means.  ??

Well, I can absolutely appreciate that....but we never defined ourselves as even being exclusive. In fact, it was me who stated early on that I was really looking to date and start slowly, and it was him who said he wanted a serious relationship.

Regardless - we all carry things with us into the next phase of our lives. Me? I know that my walls were up, and only slowly started to come down after I began to feel emotionally safe...like he actually cared about me, and wanted to get to know me and what makes me tick.

Although now I'm not entirely sure he really wanted to know. me. Maybe sparing each other the gory details of past relationships, but still really know. me.
All my quirks, flaws and very best qualities.

Because only once you really get to know me, will you get the very best parts of me.
Isn't that sort of standard though?
Surely to God, I cannot be the only woman alive who lets the layers slowly peel away as opposed to bearing it all in the first few weeks?

I am very happy to have finally received an answer from him - like I said yesterday, I can deal with absolutely anything. As long as I know what it is.

We had fun together, I learned new things, I laughed a lot and learned to be a little bit brave with a man again. All of those are good things.
Continuing with my ongoing desire to practice peace, love, forgiveness and understanding, I'm not angry with him, and I don't wish him any ill-will. In fact, I understand (I think), and I hope that he gets everything he wants in life, love, career, finance and family - even if it isn't with me.

I can't very well expect to receive those same fabulous things for myself, if I don't wish them for others, can I?

And so, I let myself be a teeny bit sad, for a teeny amount of time...and now? It's onwards and upwards baby! One door closes, another one opens.

Someone, someday, will see me the way my closest friends do. And then? Then it will be my turn to live on cloud 9 for awhile.

I hope that you never have to guess where you stand with someone, or wait days on end for an answer from any man or woman that you really care about.

And, as always, I hope that you are having an awesome day!

Translator required....

I believe myself to be reasonably intelligent, and I can usually figure things out for myself, or with the help of friends. But I am beyond stumped right now.

Recently, I met a boy. And then I started to like that boy. I refrained from telling too many people, because it's my private life and until I have something to tell, I tend to say nothing.
That usually frustrates some of my friends, because I am typically an open book, but it is absolutely a part of who I am.

Love me, love that about me.

I haven't liked anyone in a really long time. I wouldn't let myself like anyone while I was transforming my life and losing the 100 lbs, and I haven't felt attracted and connected to anyone in even longer.

So I meet a boy and things are trucking along seemingly just fine. My friend and I were spending time together once a week or so at first and then progressed to seeing each other a few times a week. I hesitated to call them "dates" for quite awhile, because that felt like a commitment that I wasn't ready to make because I was scared, and I didn't want to appear needy or too fast to want some sort of established relationship status. We aren't in 6th grade, after all.

I don't need to go over my valid and justified trust issues again, but let it be said that I will hold on to the edge of the cliff with all my might, and only slowly let go as I start to feel comfortable and emotionally safe with any man that comes in to my life.

And that takes time.

We never slept together in all those weeks, but we did make out like high schoolers and kiss till I was dizzy and my lips were chapped - I love that. How often do we really get to do that as adults!?
(It's one of my very favourite things in life.)
We went to dinner, texted daily, visited his store, and made dinner for each other.
I picked up his favourite beer, sparkling water, and got swim shorts to use in the pool in my building. All my way of saying "I like you".

And then it all stops dead cold. No joke. He leaves my place one night, and the texts just stop. No calls, no dates, no texts, and no explanations.
1 day... 2 days... 3 days... and now it's been a week.
I tried texting, I left 2 voice mails. I asked for a simple reply. I am not like most girls...I have very simple needs. A text to say "I'm super busy" or "I will see you on Sunday" would have been enough.

Anyways, I got nothing in return... And I am pretty sure that as adults, some mutual respect should be the standard, and even a quick text to tell me "I don't want to see you anymore" would be better than nothing at all.

As long as I know what I am facing, I can handle anything at all. Guessing games are for kids.

And really? I expect this sort of behaviour from a 26 year old, not a 36 year old.
Grow a pair, and be straight up - sooner than later. Otherwise, you will drive almost any woman to a whole new place of emotional torture. And that's just not frigging fair.

The absolute worst part of this for me? I have done some incredibly hard work to rid myself of those horrible voices and limiting beliefs that I always had about myself...and they have started to trickle in again. I am pushing them out, and shutting them up, but their presence after all this time is blowing my mind.

I wonder if I made all that up in my head? Did I take it for more than he meant it? Did I imagine the mutual attraction? the sincerity? the safety I was starting to feel?
It's hard not to get drunk off those feelings of new possibilities, isn't it?

Can I trust myself to make even the simplest of choices in life? Am I not the great catch that I have worked hard to believe myself to be?

Jesus. Shut. Up. Voices!!!

I don't speak "boy", so I am translating this on my own: If a guy really likes me and wants to get to know me, talk to me and be with me, he will find a way to get in touch with me.
It's as simple as that.

No matter how busy he is, if it's the busiest time of year for his work (as it is for me as well), or what is going on in his life.

And if I have done something to piss him off or upset him, we will talk it out like adults as opposed to drop each other like hot rocks.
I cannot change or explain what I am not made aware of.
I wouldn't expect that of him, either.

In this case, I guess the writing is on the wall... To quote a best seller from 2004 - "He's Just Not That Into Me".

And whether it's him, or another guy I haven't met yet...I am a great catch.
I am not needy, but I do deserve respect. I have my own life, but will eventually want to be a part of yours and have you be a part of mine. In the beginning, I won't tell anyone you exist, but in time I will be proud to tell my friends about you and your accomplishments. I might be slow to start, but I am amazing to have by your side and in your life once you have me.
But you have to earn me, appreciate me, and not let me go.

Otherwise, it is your loss.

I hope that you all are having a simply awesome day!

This is what beautiful feels like.

Let me start this blog by saying that I have always believed that an ounce of humility is far more attractive than a pound of conceit.
I am not conceited, and I do not believe myself to be any more, or less attractive than anyone else. I typically just walk through life feeling pretty normal and average.

Now, people have always told me that I am pretty, and while I know that I am not UNattractive, I still don't necessarily see it in the profound ways that it has been expressed to me.

I definitely believe that we all deserve to feel beautiful though. And that every single one of us has attractive qualities - some of which we can see with our eyes, and some of which we can only feel with our hearts.

It's important to remember that not everyone can see what you have to offer, but the people who matter the most will be able to see both the tangible and intangible things that make you beautiful, and the things that make you unique and set you apart from the rest of the crowd.

I have always worked to be seen as more than just 'pretty'.
Because I am so much more than that.

On December 10th of this year, it was the night of our annual company Christmas party, and because of all the work I have done this past year to feel better, I really wanted to put in a little extra effort so that I could essentially show off that I now look better - which, trust me, that is not something I normally do.

I went shopping for a new bra, and pretty new shoes that Feather helped me pick out. I painted my nails, made sure my pedicure was fresh, and I went to get 45 bobby pins stuck in my mop of hair to piece the whole look together.

I feel like I should fess up here and let you know that I had the assistance of some special undergarments to smooth the dress out over my new found curves - because you don't lose 100 pounds and not end up having some bumpy bits to contend with. But we're women, it's supposed to jiggle a little bit, isn't it?

Regardless, I want to share this with you - from a place of modest pride...
I. Felt. So. Beautiful.

For the first time in......well, I don't recall ever really having felt that way before to be honest.

I really and truly felt beautiful that night. And I hope that each of you have had that feeling at some time in your lives, or will come to feel that way someday soon.

And, of course, I hope that you are having an awesome day!

Arms Wide Open...

Have you ever met those people who "don't like people"? Or maybe it would be better to say that they are cautious, stand-offish, careful and weary of people who come in to their lives.

I marvel at these people whose arms you have to earn your way into, because from my perspective, they have excellent judgement skills. To get in with those Earners, you have to prove yourself as worthy of their time, their hearts, and their trust.

I am not that person. In fact, my arms are typically found wiiiiide open. I've said it before, and I will say it again - I am like the YMCA. All are welcome.

For a long time, I debated about whether or not this was a good, or bad, quality of mine. And while I don't think there is a definitive answer to that, I can absolutely see the pro's and con's of both personality types.

The top Pro of being this way inclined is that I really don't know too many people who are as surrounded, loved and supported as I believe myself to be. And that is largely in part because of how open and accepting I am.

99.9% of the time, I like everyone that I meet, as soon as I meet them.

It will generally take me between 6 and 12 months to figure out that someone I just met isn't as cool as I originally thought them to be. And then you have your typical "Earner" who can tell you within minutes of meeting someone whether they would commit to a friendship, or even a coffee date.

The drawback to being open like 7-Eleven for the last 30+ years, is that I now harbour a small (okay, maybe big) fear that I cannot be trusted to make good decisions when it comes to men. Why? you may ask?
You will just have to trust me when I tell you that I have more than proven that I have poor judgement when it comes to the male species....but I will save that for another blog....some other time.

When I meet a man now, who I am interested in, who I like, who I feel like I want to get close to....I cannot seem to find the courage to let go of the edge, just fall, and more importantly, the courage to take my walls with me.

It sounds silly, but I feel like I need a 2nd opinion. Maybe retired FBI agents should contract themselves out to people like me - don't they have stellar people reading skills? Can't they detect right away if someone is a liar, tax evader, serial killer?
Me? I'd never be able to tell. In fact, I'd probably invite them over for tea, bake them cookies and show them where I keep my sharp knives.

I like that I have wide open arms, to go along with my mind and heart... but right now? I'd also like a sidekick. A wingman who can spot a psycho a mile away. My very own Kid Cupid.

That's what I want for Christmas this year.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

It really and truly is Christmas time...just 2.5 weeks left until Christmas day, and boy can't you feel it in the air?!?

Every year that I work with the public I am more and more blown away by the foul moods, snotty attitudes, stressed out energy and overblown senses of entitlement that the general public seem to have. And really? Over what!?!

Your package arrived damaged?! Newsflash my friends: Any time you give a box to a delivery agent that contains items that don't personally belong to him/her, they likely won't give it the same care they otherwise would.
Your package arrived late? And it's somehow my fault as the retailer? Ummmmmm....have you looked outside lately? It's frigging winter dude - and if you would haul your head out of your ass long enough to give it a shake, you would realize that it's realistic to expect delays with airplanes, trucks and delivery agents everywhere when its......winter dude.

Don't even get me started on the way I have seen some people behave in stores over the years. Honestly...I'm embarrassed for them, and if some people could watch themselves on video playback, they might think twice before tearing a strip off the poor cashier, after huffing, puffing and stamping their feet impatiently while they wait in....oh my God!....the Christmas line-ups that every retail store has.

I can only speak for myself, but I remember my favourite things about Christmas were always feeling warm and cozy inside, while the snow fell outside. I have always loved sitting by the lights on the tree, and spending time with people that I love while nibbling on clementines, Terry's chocolate oranges, and Turtles.

And to be perfectly honest, I am now at an age where I don't want any gifts...I truly don't. All I want for Christmas is a yummy turkey dinner and to watch Elf with my sister and laugh till we cry. That's it. What is anyone going to buy me for the over-commercialized mandatory holiday gift that I cannot get for myself?
Everyone seems to hustle and bustle from shop to shop to buy each other gifts that fall into a set price range, and everyone stresses out about getting them wrapped on time, not forgetting anyone, and making sure that we are giving "enough".

People go in to insane amounts of debt, and spend money that they do not have.... just to give a bigger better gift than they did last year. Surely I cannot be the only one who sees the insanity here?

Well, I for one am not buying it. From here on out, Christmas is for kids as far as I'm concerned. And any gifts that I do decide to buy outside of the 18 and under age range will be for people who are genuinely in need.
This year, it's 2 seniors. Next year, it might be a single mom who has left an abusive husband. And the year after that, maybe it will be a family in Rwanda who need a goat.

My gift to the rest of you? Love baby. All. Love.

Don't forget the real meaning of the holidays, people. And be nice to the staff who clean up after you, serve you at the till, bring you your meals and drinks, and do what they can do earn their living as well.

It's Christmas. It's supposed to be happy.

Have an awesome day!!!