Have I ever mentioned that this isn't my first ride on the ol' Weight Loss Merry-Go-Pound? It's not. I have been moderately successful in the past. For short periods of time. Always gaining the lost weight back again. And of course, more...
That's because I always followed the textbook rules of eating less and moving more - thankfully never turning to anorexia or bulemia - but I never once addressed the WHY's behind the HOW's.
Why was I always choosing food over confidence? over men? over love? over life? over activity? over ME?
As I rummaged through my room the other day, I found my old 'list' or 'mantra'... the one I made about 8 years ago - the last time I was going to the gym and had a personal trainer. I remember that I used to say this to myself when I was pushing myself to stay on the treadmill just a bit longer, or making sure that I ran for a couple of minutes and walk for a couple of minutes, and pushing myself to keep going when I wanted to quit.
I don't think it is that different from a list I would make now, to be honest. The difference would be ME. And how I am going about doing this...
So here is the list from 8 years ago, and a list of how it compares to now.
1. I want to be healthy.
2. I want to be strong.
3. I want to be more confident.
4. I want to feel confident enough to date and be noticed by guys.
5. I want to wear shorts and a tank top next summer.
6. I want to be comfortable.
7. I want to be more flexible.
8. I want to love shopping - not dread it.
9. I want to wear a push-up bra.
10. I want to be more active with my friends.
1. Still very much applies. And I know that I am already so much healthier than I used to be back in the days when I ate Tums and Rolaids like they were candy.
2. Turns out, I *AM* strong! Physically, and emotionally.
3. I can tell that my confidence is increasing - Yes, I'm winking at you handsome!
4. I am working on this one. Mostly with being comfortable with the attention that I am starting to receive from men. "Who? Me? You think I'm cute!?! Thank you!" (side note: practice saying "thank you" it will serve you well.)
5. Ugh. Seriously? I would rather die than wear shorts. I will wear tank tops now, and continue working on my arm definition - but for now? No to the shorts. Yes! to the tanks!
6. I am not entirely sure what I meant by wanting to be comfortable. But I am guessing that I wanted to sit on a couch without a pillow covering my stomach - because that will always hide the fact that you're fat. Suuuuuuure.
7. I am still working on this, and want it very much. My hamstrings and hip flexors are the frigging worst. Is this like flossing? We're supposed to, but don't?
8. Meh. I still don't love shopping. I have a trip to Florida planned for September with Feather so that I can shop till we drop and get a whole whack of new clothes. By then? I'm gonna need 'em!
9. Sadly, I don't just want 'em now. I need 'em.
10. Well, this has been accomplished. Tenfold. And it's awesome. I love making dates with friends to go to the gym, for a run, for a ride, for a walk, to a class... I have turned this in to a social event, which makes it all the more rewarding.
In that old journal, I also went on to talk about underlying feelings of sadness that always seemed to linger with me, and gross feelings of inadequacy and self consciousness when I was out with my "skinny" friends. At that time, I was allowing myself to sink into sadness with the thoughts that would snowball in my head - I would think of one mean thing that someone said or did to me in my lifetime (see Top 10 Worst Moments post), and it would spiral until I was face and eyes into a bag of chips, with my head under the covers bawling my eyes out.
I was giving all of myself away back then, and saving nothing for me. I was also immersing myself into their problems to help fix them. I am talking rubber gloved and elbow deep into their shit here. Doing the work for those people, that they should have been doing themselves. And I did that right up until my relationship with my ex ended... and until I spent 18 months working really flipping hard on me.
I am so thankful that I have been able to work through most of old stuff, to realize that it isn't in fact, my fault, that I don't have to please everyone, that not everyone has to like me, and to build healthy boundaries for myself. And at this point, I would have to think pretty hard to come up with those old bad thoughts - they just aren't in my head anymore.
I am making smarter decisions about the people I let into my head and my heart, and I am being smart about the people I spend my precious time with. And while I do still like to inspire people to live their best lives, and I still take care of others, I am no longer elbow deep into it, and I no longer do the work for them. I tend to give what I can by being honest and showing them love, and hope they figure it out for themselves... I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J
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