Light Bulb Moment.

I was out twacking* around yesterday, and ran in to friends of my ex. Yes, I have an ex. I haven't spoken much about him here, because there's no point, really. It was 3 years ago, and I am not the same person I was then, and I rarely ever think about him anymore.

This post isn't really about him either. Maybe I will do one some other time. Maybe not.

As I was chatting with this couple who I haven't seen in over 3 years, she told me that I looked great, and said that I seemed happy.

And there it is. I. Am! Ridiculously. Happy.

My time with him flashed before my eyes in that moment, and I realized that it would have been very easy to sell myself short and stay with that man, and allow him to continue treating me unkindly horribly and abusively. Allow him to continue bringing me down and dimming my light. It may very well have been easier to do that, instead of all the insanely hard work that I have done since then. To address my issues. To stop eating my emotions. To lose 100lbs.

And then it dawned on me.... As long as I am doing the right thing for ME, as long as I am being true to ME, and as long as I am taking care of ME, it really is incredibly easy to be THIS. HAPPY.

And this? Is WAY better than that!!!

I don't ever want to be the kind of girl who settles for less than she deserves ever again.
This includes men who don't see the value in ME (as well as men who say one thing and do another, men who don't respect me, and men who leave me high and dry), food that my body doesn't need, not flossing regularly, "friends" who make me feel badly for being true to me, and people who don't give me room to be myself.

I'm happy. Blissfully happy. And I am doing the very best that I can.
To be better. And do better. For. ME. Nobody else. Just me.

*The Newfie (people of Newfoundland) word for "window shopping" or browsing.
I was an hour early so I went twacking 'round the mall.


I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

I'm happy.
xoxox
~J

Blast from the past...

Can you see them? They're hard to miss. Impossible, really. Both my "chins", that is? I also find myself looking for my neck, but I can't seem to locate it here.

Funny thing though, I had these internal dialogue battles going on at all times back then. Yes, I was fat. But unlike so many others in my weight class, I never felt "ugly".

Me: He'll never like me because I'm fat.
Me: But you're so hilarious! (if only in your own mind)
Me: Maybe so, but have you seen the size of your ass? *insert mom's voice here* Jesus Jennifer, you could serve tea off the shelf of your ass!
Me: Thank God you have a pretty face!
Me: Sure would be nice to find your waist though.
Me: Have you seen your hair!?! It's so thick and pretty! You should donate it! (Side note: I did donate my hair, exactly 2 weeks after this picture was taken)
Me: Pass the Ruffles. And while you're at it, a Mars Bar, too.

This picture was taken not even 2 years ago. May 2nd, 2009 to be exact. (Side note: WHY do I remember this date when I can't recall most of yesterday!?!? WTF is that about?)

Here is the motivation: I've found my jawline, my neck, and my collarbone since then.

I happen to think they're really pretty. I'm gonna do the work that is necessary to keep 'em.

Have an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
Love,
~J

I remember that...

I sometimes surprise myself with how dedicated I am to this new life of mine. Even if I do occasionally 'snooze' my way through an intended morning workout. (Don't judge me, we've all done it.)

I was up and at 'em dark and early this morning - arriving at Trainer Mike's for 6 a.m. to work out. Did I mention that we are in phase 2 now? The build muscle phase?

So, the standard squats I was doing, using only my body weight? Well, now I am doing them with 2x 25lb dumb bells in my hands. I've lost 100lbs, and now I am squatting with 50lbs in addition to my current weight in my hands. Holy sweet Jesus.

Light bulb moment!!!!!!
I. Remember. That.

Sadly, there was a time in my life, where I seriously could have used a chair like the one shown above. Yes, I needed the extra help to heave myself up off the sofa, or out of the armchair - likely after a food induced coma.

Lifting myself, plus that extra weight this morning, I felt my heart rate increase, my breathing became laboured, and boy! was I frigging tired! (I am finding that each workout now leaves me "body tired" - that's a good thing, right?)

I am quite sure that with how strong I already am, I will build up to being able to do standard squats and sumo squats with closer to 80lbs held in my hands, but I can promise you this: I will never ever ever carry that much weight on my body ever again.

Today, I'm proud of where I have come from.

And I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
Love,
~J

I'm a lip kisser.

I used to apologize a lot. For saying the wrong thing, inadvertently hurting someones feelings, making someone feel uncomfortable because I was being honest, but mostly I apologized for being....well, for being me.

Who am I, you ask?

I'm a lip-kisser for starters. Yes, that's right. I kiss my friends, and the people I care about, on. the. lips. So long as they are comfortable doing so and nobody is trotting along on the Stuffy-Sinus-Express, that is.

To be honest, I have only ever met a handful of people who shied away from my lip-kisses.

The French do it. The Italians do it. The Brazilians do it. Why can't I do it?
*Especially* here in Ottawa - the land of the emotionally oppressed.

Here's the deal: If I care about you? I am going to hug you, rub your sore shoulders, cuddle at the movies, play with the Timotei lustrous locks of my girlfriends, offer to help you paint your home, take your kids for "Birthday Dates with Auntie Jenn", bring you food if you're sick, pick up cheap beer when I go to Costco in Quebec, nurse you back to health after a surgery, come get you when your car breaks down, walk your dog when you can't, help you piece your heart back together when some jerkface crushes it, invite you to movies, show up to Birthday Bowl-A-Thons, hold your hand, accept you exactly as you are, cheer you on, let you down gently, pick you up strongly, tell you that I love you, and I'm going to kiss you on the damn lips.

I always joke that I kiss on the lips because I am from Newfoundland and we're known for being the friendliest province in Canada, but that's really a huge generalization because maybe it's just my friends and family - not all Newfies kiss their friends on the lips, of course.

But in my ongoing quest to accept myself as I am - all the flaws, and all the glory - and in my ongoing desire to be true to myself, I have come to learn that I am warm, loving and affectionate. These are good qualities. They are part of who I am.


I'd like to think of them as being part of my undeniable charm.  ;)


I don't expect anything back in return. I don't expect to be your wife. I don't expect gifts. I don't expect reciprocal invitations. I don't expect to be treated differently.

I also don't expect to have to apologize for who I am anymore, and I really don't see the sense in shrinking back my positive loving energy to accommodate others who cannot handle it for their own reasons.


Not when we are living in a world that undeniably requires more love.

So that's that. If I love you, I'm going to show you that I love you. It doesn't mean I expect anything from you. And it definitely doesn't mean I want to steal your husband/boyfriend/lover from you, or that my "intentions" are anything other than pure.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!

Love,
~J

I dreamed a dream...

Monday night, I had the most glorious dream. For the first time, in my mind's eye, I was able to see myself at my goal weight. For starters, Wow!!! I looked really tall!!!


I don't have any real recollection of what the hell was happening in my dream, or where I was, but I do remember Feather and FC being there. They both thought I looked hot! For that matter, I also thought I was pretty damn hot...

Not skinny, but curvy. Not weak, but strong. Not limited, but flexible. Not shy, but proud. Not a facade, but truly insanely happy.

And here is the creepy part...I got a text from one of my bff's, Bicky, this morning.
Guess what she dreamed about last night?????? Me at my goal weight.

If that's not the Universe conspiring to make this dream into a reality, I don't know what is.

I hope you have an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

Oh, to be 6 again.

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.


A.A. Milne


Sometimes, I feel so giddy and energetic that I can very easily remember being 6 years old. I was pretty sure that I could fly, and used to have dreams about it all the time.


*sigh*

Oh well, my body might be 33 (almost 34!), but my mind and heart? despite how serious I can sometimes be while at work? Well, I *feel* 6 sometimes...and that works for me.


I hope you are having an AWESOME day!

Settings Update.

Sidenote: I have updated my settings so that people can comment freely on my posts. I wish I had figured this out sooner... Oh well.

I love hearing from people, so feel free to email me or post comments!

Awesome day continued...

Plank Pride.

Last summer when I started seeing Trainer Mike, we did introductory tests so that he knew where I was starting, and what my fitness levels were at that time. Bear in mind that by the time I met him, I had already lost approximately 75 lbs, and been working out for months, doing mostly cardio but very little in the way of strength training.

As I posted in my Not Resolutions. Goals. post from January 14th, one of my goals for this year was to be able to hold a solid plank position for 1 minute and 30 seconds.

Just like my random goal of chest pressing 50lbs free weights, or standing one-footed on the bosu ball for 1 minute and 30 seconds, I have absolutely no idea where I come up with these things. What it boils down to, is that some things intrigue and challenge me, and I have zero interest in others.

So Trainer Mike and I are moving in to "Phase 2" of my program with him now. (Who knew that there were phases to this!?!) And before moving on, we did a Fitness Re-Test yesterday.

I have been flying HIGH since yesterday at 4:10, because my personal goal of holding a solid plank for 1.5 minutes?!?!? That's right!!! I CRUSHED IT!!!

I held that position for a solid 1 minute and 47 seconds yesterday. Oh. Hell. Yes.

So here is the comparison:
6 months ago, I started to shake after 7 seconds.
Yesterday, it was closer to 30 seconds.
6 months ago, I complained about my arms being tired after about 25 seconds.
Yesterday, it was about 55 seconds before they hurt.
6 months ago, my back started to hurt after 37 seconds and I wanted to quit right then.
Yesterday, my back didn't hurt at all, and started to feel my abs at about 1.5 minutes.
6 months ago, I held plank for 49 seconds and it. killed. me.
Yesterday, I held plank for 1 minute and 47 seconds, and felt super!

I don't practice plank in my spare time. In fact, I don't think I have even attempted to hold plank more than 6 times in the past 6 months. It is thanks to my increased strength and weight resistance training with Trainer Mike that got me to this place.

In other numbers, I have also:
Lost 5.6% body fat
Increased my water content by 3.9%

Next step? 3 minute plank. Then 3 minute plank with a weight on my back. And then 3 minute plank with my feet on the bosu ball.

Again, I have no idea where I come up with this stuff.

Throughout Phase 2  - the "build" phase, I have to learn to let go of my obsession with the number on the scale. This won't be easy, but it is imperative, as I don't want to end up being "skinny fat". Not sure what "skinny fat" is? Click here to read up on it from another health conscious blogger.

Right now, the number on the scale is not my number to live and die by.

And while 107 seconds is just a number to some, to me, it is possibility, hope and pride.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!

You may say I'm a dreamer...

...But I'm not the only one.
My beautiful soul friend Zen shared this with me recently, and it moved me to tears... Whether or not it moves you in the same way, I wanted to share it. In doing so, I am being true to me.

The Invitation - Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.


It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.


I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.


I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.


It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.


I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.


I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'


It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.


It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.


It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.


I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


What does this stir in you? And how do you feel about this next passage?
The Healing Light Institute of Spirituality

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


I am going to try and live my life with the same passion and abandon.

As always, I hope that you have an AWESOME day!!!

Unlovable. Who? Me!?!?

It has taken me awhile to finish this post. And even longer to be brave enough to share it. Just writing it helped, and after I got an email from someone a few days ago who is currently experiencing this same issue - thus proving we are never really alone - I just sort of figured I have to put it out there. You're not the only one, MF. So here goes nothing...

I haven't been to see my psychologist in a long time. A really long time, actually. And I think that's a good thing. A sign that I am learning to figure this stuff out on my own, and a sign that I am starting to trust myself and the people who surround me. One brick at a time...the walls come down. Each blog post...every pound...every honest conversation...every time I am true to myself...they are all bricks.

In past blogs, I have skirted over some of my deeper rooted issues, but was thinking a few weeks ago about one of the biggest ones I have had to let go of. It wasn't one that I ever thought about on a conscious level, but it was always in the back of my head...and I did put on a brave face for a very long time, which was exhausting...

I grew up without my father in my life. And while I love my mother with my whole heart, and thoroughly appreciate that she did the best she could with what she had, there is no denying that my mom had her emotional shortcomings as well.
Both these things combined, ultimately left me feeling unloveable. And unloved.

Think about that for a second. Your dad leaves when you're small, comes back, leaves again. No Christmas cards. No Birthday gifts. No phones calls. No trips to the farm. No rides at the fair. He's gone. And you resign yourself to the fact that he isn't coming back. That's a pretty big thing to deal with when you're 5. FIVE for Christ's sakes.

To a beautiful little girl? The interpretation is that you weren't worth the effort, the fight, or the time. You were simply unlovable. And that feeling stays with you...and when those messages and feelings are left undealt with? They will ultimately send you head first into a bag of Ruffles chips every night for supper, or straight to the office vending machine 2x daily for a Mars Bar.

Or worse.

Until you deal with it (and it's important to remember that everybody's "it" is different) properly, you'll turn to something (and it's important to remember that everybody's "something" is different). It won't be good.

I'm sure my father had his reasons, although I'm quite certain that none would ever make sense to me and I am also no longer interested in them.

And my mom? With her inability to share warmth, or express love and pride to me? Well, I am now able to honour her and give her tremendous credit for having what it takes to stick around and raise 2 kids on her own. When I started gaining weight around age 11, my mom had no idea how to handle that, and her frustration came out in anger. "Nobody will ever love you if you're fat". Ouch. Amongst other more horrible words. Ouch again.

And now at 33 years old, I won't deny that it sure would be nice to hear "I'm really proud of you, Jennifer. For.....owning your own home, maintaining a good job, losing 101 lbs in a year, being a person who others genuinely enjoying being around, etc...."  I have learned to let go of that expectation. It isn't fair to expect that of someone who simply isn't built that way. In her own diminished capacity, I know she loves me....

But it took me a looooooong time to come to that. A really. long. time.

And during a particularly rough session with my therapist when I was stuck at the 60lbs lost mark, I was finally able to get it out.... What if I lost all the weight and I was still unlovable?!?

What then?!?!?

Logically, I could always write you a list as long as my arm with all the reasons why I was loveable....all the reasons why I was worth the effort, worth the time...and a list of all the qualities that made me unique and ran far deeper than my blue eyes, big boobs and excessive size. But I couldn't write that list from my heart. I didn't feel it, so I couldn't live it. I didn't live it, and so all I attracted to me were unappreciative men who lacked depth, and really didn't see the value in me at all.

So I had a choice to make. Carry those beliefs around with me, never fully realizing my own self worth, life's purpose, and deepest happiness...or let these beliefs go, and carry on towards my future.

Dear Self: You cannot move forward until you let go of the past.

What I have learned this past year? Not all men are jerks. Not all men are scary. And I have most importantly learned that I am a lot of things...but unloveable is NOT one of them. I slip sometimes (we all do), but I hold on to this new belief system very tightly.

And I really do understand now that I am responsible for my own happiness. And I know that I am worth the time, effort and energy - it is why I will never ever give up on myself or this journey. I sort of feel like I now have a quiet security within me...I can love, and let go, and be alone (but not lonely), and I can stand beside someone, or love them from afar and always carry that in my heart.

I feel lighter than ever.

In the end these things matter most: How well did you live? How fully did you love? How deeply did you learn to let go?” – Buddha

I hope that if you are dealing with anything even remotely similar, that you also learn to let it go. It ultimately serves no purpose to carry that heavy baggage around with you. And try to see yourself the way others see you. And know that you are loved. Even if it's from afar, by someone who you've never met. Like me.

Have an AWESOME day!

Team Playa...

There is a team of 6 women here in the Ottawa area who started a team blog to chronicle their weight loss stories and goals with others who are trekking the same journey. Click here to learn more about Losing It In Ottawa.

They recently announced that they were looking to expand upon their team, and recruit 6 new contributors... I applied, they accepted! They actually had so many people apply, that they ended up choosing 8 new members of their team!

I'm honoured to have made the cut, and I am so so so excited to start sharing my story, tips and knowledge with their larger group of followers, and I cannot wait to meet many of them in person.

I would like to try and round some people up for group runs, long bike rides, and surround myself with more like-minded people who will keep me honest, accountable and inspired.
This is just one more step along my own journey, and one more chance for me to help someone else live their best and happiest life.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME DAY!!!

Here is how I know...

I went to Weight Watchers on Thursday night, and my leader posed the following question: "What sorts of habits are you incorporating into your daily life related to losing weight?"

I could really only think of one or two, which is a GREAT thing!!! That means that the rest of what I am doing is just a part of my life now. I have adopted new good healthy habits, and they are part of the new me.

In an ongoing effort to stay conscious, feel the moment, and be awake, I noticed a couple of specific things in the past few days that really solidify the fact that I. Have. Changed.

As an example, over the past 5 years, I have never worked or lived any more than 3 kms away from my dentist's office. And that's a generous 3 kms...in reality, it's probably closer to 2. I had my 6 month cleaning appointment yesterday morning at 8 a.m. And with the temperature registering somewhere around -15 celsius, on my day off of work, I bundled up and left the house to walk to the dentist.

I also now walk to the FarmBoy nearest my home every few days to pick up my fresh groceries - as I continue to TRY and learn how to shop and cook for 1 person.

This morning I walked to work.

I received a lunch invitation from my darling Nessa yesterday, and when we were trying to figure out where to go, my choices were simple: only restaurants with nutritional information available online. So off the top of my head, that meant a trip to Swiss Chalet, East Side Mario's or Subway.

If I am going to be serious about this, I have to treat it seriously.

And those things that were once a time-consuming nuisance to me, are now habits built in to my fabulous new life, as I continue this journey towards my healthy fabulous new me!

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

And I will also add here that I love you. Even if I don't know you, I am sending you love and positive energy. And lots of it.