Bounce.

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up."~ Vince Lombardi

My own special triathlon.

Is this Spring like weather that I see outside? It is! It IS like Spring today! And that just inspires me to get up, get out of the house, and move my arse. So this morning, after a mere 5 hours sleep, I met up with Feather at The Running Room 10k Clinic practice run to run a nice sloooooooow 5km.

I did it! First time I have done 5km since The 2010 Army Run. They don't just recommend that you go slowly on Sundays - they ORDER you to go slowly!!! Oh, that was music to my ears, let me tell you.

My left knee was a bit lot achy afterwards, but not enough to stop me from biking 20km against. the. effing. wind. to meet up with friends for lunch this afternoon. Ever heard of Wild Wing??? The menu isn't exactly conducive to weight loss, so I went online and chose my meal ahead of time - avoiding the wings, in much the same way I need to start avoiding chocolate covered almonds, aka My Kryptonite.

Anyways, I was way too bagged to ride home so I bummed a ride from a few of my most spectacular and amazing friends - have I ever mentioned that I am surrounded by the worlds GREATEST people? Not really? Well that starts now.  

And as my smarty pants girlfriend KTV pointed out, if I go downstairs in my building and swim a few laps tonight, I will have done my very own triathlon.

Life is not a competition folks, but that felt like a wee challenge...so off I go to don my swimsuit and go downstairs for a hot tub, swim, and a sauna.

After that? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............

Hope you all are having an AWESOME day!!!

xoxox
~J

My NEW theme song!

I like this song and chose it as mine and Feather's theme song after she emailed me quickly one day and quoted part of it to me. They might not be the most sophisticated lyrics that were ever written, but I definitely intend to show everyone what I am worth.


Firework by Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again


Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in


Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing


Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine


Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July


Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y


Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own


You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow


Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road


Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know


You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y


Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"


Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you


And now it's time to let it through
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y


Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe


Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

As I continue on this journey, this new path, this new life and encounter new experiences, I marvel at how much I am changing. Becoming stronger, more self assured, self aware, and unaffected by the negative energy of undesirable people who want to drag others down.

Well, they can't drag me down. No frigging way.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

Oh! And I also hope that you know your own worth. It's probably a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

xoxox
Love,
~J

P.S. People have been telling me lately that *I* look like Katy Perry. I disagree. But I am deeply insanely flattered.

My OLD Theme Song.

Do you have a theme song? Song that resonates with you? Moves you? Strikes a chord? Sums up how you feel? Makes you cry?

Most of the lyrics of this song used to make my heart ache because it's how I felt about myself. Really really deep inside, underneath all the smiles and giggles, good times and social events, behind closed doors, when nobody was looking and I had nobody to put up a brave face for... I felt sorry for myself.

Here are the lyrics:


SORRY FOR MYSELF - Jann Arden
I’ve been on my hands and knees

Crawling towards eternity
Looking for the piece of me that always got away
And I’ve been so afraid to stand my ground
So I simply shut my mouth
Close my eyes, bite my lip
And swallow every tear


I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself all day long
All day long


Look inside my body baby
See the twists and turns inside me
Every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend
I know you’ve had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion
I am living a delusion and i do not give a damn

I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself


For myself
For myself
For myself


Look into my heart and tell me i am a complete disaster
Wasn’t that what you were after
Always thought it was
Wasn’t I complete desire
Filthy ash without the fire
You could not have been much higher without some kind of drug


I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself…for myself
I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
All day long

I can’t do anything
I don’t believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself…for myself


I can’t do anything
I don’t need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
 
 
Yesterday, I went for a quick run/walk before heading to Trainer Mike's. This song came on my iPod while I was walking...and I immediately picked it up to a run and ran through the whole thing. Fuck feeling sorry for myself. I am not a victim. I own this moment. I own this life. I only have one, and it's too short to sit around feeling sorry for myself.

My new theme song is just going to show you what I'm worth.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

Love in heaps,
xoxox
~J

Over and Over Again.

I eat the same things day in and day out. Bear in mind that I am single, have nobody else to cook for, or be concerned with. So this is both easy, and at times insanely boring.

Anyways, here is a snapshot of a day in the life of my food consumption.

In any given order these are some of my staples:

2 boiled eggs
apple
orange
pita
hummus
turkey slices
yogurt
granola
berries
banana
pineapple
cucumber
carrots
peppers

Some of the things I tend to swap in and out:
chilli
soup - any kind except creamy = yuck
salads
sandwich wraps made with turkey slices, veggies, sprouts, cheese and mustard

Ummmmmm...does anyone want to have me over for dinner?

I hope you are having an AWESOME day!

Love,
~J

Who wants to re-do Vegas with me?

Seriously. I have to go back to Vegas. I don't gamble. I rarely drink. But the only time I have ever been in Vegas, I was so insanely overweight and out of shape, that it felt like I was going to suffocate to death with all that weight on in that insufferable heat.

I had to bring extra clothes with me, because I knew I wouldn't be comfortable re-wearing jeans from the day before. Quite honestly (Jesus, when did I get so effing brave!?!), they wouldn't have been fit to wear.

I was one hot mess that whole trip.

I never shared that with any of my friends.

The top picture was taken just an hour after I got back from my day trip to the Grand Canyon, where I went out on the petrifying Skywalk in the bottom picture. And obviously, what better reward than the biggest ice cream sundae I have ever seen!?

Especially when you factor in that as I was booking the flight to the Grand Canyon from my hotel on the strip, I had a choice to make:
A) Take a plane to the Grand Canyon at almost 2x the cost of the helicoptor ride.
B) Take a helicoptor to the Grand Canyon, but in order to do so, I would have to get weighed - because there is a weight restriction.

I chose option A. Out of fear. And out of shame. And I didn't even know how bad the number on the scale really was. I was afraid of the shame associated with possibly having to hear "Sorry Jennifer, you can't get on the helicoptor unless you pay for an extra seat"... or something to that effect.


 

I think I deserve to retake all the trips I took pre-2010.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day.

xoxox

Love,

~J

You learn something new everyday.

I went shopping yesterday. I got 4 new tops, and a new dress to wear this summer. What did I learn? I am no longer a size 18. Every single article of clothes I brought in to the change room was too big. I guess that I am officially a size 16 now?!? 5'10", and a size 16.
I'll take that. And all the curves that go with it. Thankyouverymuch.

Last night, I went to my first Running Room 10k Clinic session. We only ran 3km, but for the girl who hasn't run since the Great Back Break of 2010, I am pretty damn pleased with myself for going the distance, and still being able to walk upright today. What did I learn? I can still run damnit. And run, I will. I intend to finish this 10km on May 28th upright and smiling.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!

xoxox
~J

Boston Bound.

Oh. Em. Gee. Have I honestly turned in to *that* girl? The kind of girl who idolizes people she hasn't ever met in real life, and will go to great lengths to meet these same people?

Yes. Yes, I am *that* girl.

Here is the thing though...I am certain (like, beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt sure), that the people I will meet on June 18th in Boston will have a lasting, profound, and positive impact on my life.

That is the day that I am going to be in Boston to take part in the Ben Davis Do Life Unofficial 5km Tour. I've always wanted to check out Bean town, and now I get to do it, while taking part in a message. An energy. A collaborative movement towards betterment.

If you read this post that Ben wrote, and you aren't inspired to want to change your own life, and the lives of the people around you, then well.... I have no idea what to say to that. Except that maybe you're a little bit lame.

The boss has approved the week off. Anniebsmilin is going to join me, and we are going to meet up with a whole bunch of people who just want to Do Life in Boston. I'm EXCITED!

Maybe if I sit on the grounds of Harvard, I'll feel smrt?

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

Flattery will get you....my number.

As I walked into the parking lot of my new favourite Farmboy today, a cute guy was leaving the parking lot in his car. We smiled at each other, and I kept going.

I pick up a pineapple. A couple of oranges. And now I'm looking at apples.

Cute boy? He was busy turning his car around, parking, and coming in to the store to find me.

Why? Because "he just had to meet me".

We chat, we walk, we pick out broccoli, he asks for my number. I gave it to him.

Regardless of whether or not he calls... a cute boy went well out of his way, and made the effort to come meet me.

I'm floored.

Blushing, flattered, and floored.

Sometimes? Sometimes boys really do surprise me.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
Love,
~J

My OLD Journal.

Have I ever mentioned that this isn't my first ride on the ol' Weight Loss Merry-Go-Pound? It's not. I have been moderately successful in the past. For short periods of time. Always gaining the lost weight back again. And of course, more...

That's because I always followed the textbook rules of eating less and moving more - thankfully never turning to anorexia or bulemia - but I never once addressed the WHY's behind the HOW's.

Why was I always choosing food over confidence? over men? over love? over life? over activity? over ME?

As I rummaged through my room the other day, I found my old 'list' or 'mantra'... the one I made about 8 years ago - the last time I was going to the gym and had a personal trainer. I remember that I used to say this to myself when I was pushing myself to stay on the treadmill just a bit longer, or making sure that I ran for a couple of minutes and walk for a couple of minutes, and pushing myself to keep going when I wanted to quit.


I don't think it is that different from a list I would make now, to be honest. The difference would be ME. And how I am going about doing this...


So here is the list from 8 years ago, and a list of how it compares to now.

1. I want to be healthy. 
2. I want to be strong.
3. I want to be more confident. 
4. I want to feel confident enough to date and be noticed by guys.
5. I want to wear shorts and a tank top next summer. 
6. I want to be comfortable.
7. I want to be more flexible.
8. I want to love shopping - not dread it.
9. I want to wear a push-up bra.
10. I want to be more active with my friends.


1. Still very much applies. And I know that I am already so much healthier than I used to be back in the days when I ate Tums and Rolaids like they were candy.
2. Turns out, I *AM* strong! Physically, and emotionally.
3. I can tell that my confidence is increasing - Yes, I'm winking at you handsome!
4. I am working on this one. Mostly with being comfortable with the attention that I am starting to receive from men. "Who? Me? You think I'm cute!?! Thank you!" (side note: practice saying "thank you" it will serve you well.)
5. Ugh. Seriously? I would rather die than wear shorts. I will wear tank tops now, and continue working on my arm definition - but for now? No to the shorts. Yes! to the tanks!
6. I am not entirely sure what I meant by wanting to be comfortable. But I am guessing that I wanted to sit on a couch without a pillow covering my stomach - because that will always hide the fact that you're fat. Suuuuuuure.
7. I am still working on this, and want it very much. My hamstrings and hip flexors are the frigging worst. Is this like flossing? We're supposed to, but don't?
8. Meh. I still don't love shopping. I have a trip to Florida planned for September with Feather so that I can shop till we drop and get a whole whack of new clothes. By then? I'm gonna need 'em!
9. Sadly, I don't just want 'em now. I need 'em.
10. Well, this has been accomplished. Tenfold. And it's awesome. I love making dates with friends to go to the gym, for a run, for a ride, for a walk, to a class... I have turned this in to a social event, which makes it all the more rewarding.


In that old journal, I also went on to talk about underlying feelings of sadness that always seemed to linger with me, and gross feelings of inadequacy and self consciousness when I was out with my "skinny" friends. At that time, I was allowing myself to sink into sadness with the thoughts that would snowball in my head - I would think of one mean thing that someone said or did to me in my lifetime (see Top 10 Worst Moments post), and it would spiral until I was face and eyes into a bag of chips, with my head under the covers bawling my eyes out.


I was giving all of myself away back then, and saving nothing for me. I was also immersing myself into their problems to help fix them. I am talking rubber gloved and elbow deep into their shit here. Doing the work for those people, that they should have been doing themselves. And I did that right up until my relationship with my ex ended... and until I spent 18 months working really flipping hard on me.

I am so thankful that I have been able to work through most of old stuff, to realize that it isn't in fact, my fault, that I don't have to please everyone, that not everyone has to like me, and to build healthy boundaries for myself. And at this point, I would have to think pretty hard to come up with those old bad thoughts - they just aren't in my head anymore.


I am making smarter decisions about the people I let into my head and my heart, and I am being smart about the people I spend my precious time with. And while I do still like to inspire people to live their best lives, and I still take care of others, I am no longer elbow deep into it, and I no longer do the work for them. I tend to give what I can by being honest and showing them love, and hope they figure it out for themselves... I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

I still love this shirt....

Even if you could pitch it as a tent and have small children sheltered from the rain beneath it.
You can't deny that this is true.

Seriously, this shirt is monstrous. Pretty, but huge.

I wonder if I could have it altered enough to look somewhat acceptable on me now?
At least 103lbs smaller than when I used to wear it?

Or maybe I should burn it.... this picture was taken in May 2009. My 32nd Birthday brunch. I remember uploading this picture to my pc, and then cropping most of me out of it before posting it to Facebook. I was horrified at how wide/round/big I was. This was the first time I really saw it. May 17th 2009 to be exact. 3 months later, I had already lost a couple of pounds, when I started to document the loss of the next 103...

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox

Love,

~J

15 Random Things...

We have all received those pesky emails that go between friends, and you fill them in about yourself and pass them back... here is my most recent attempt at that list.

1. I barely move when I sleep. I mean that. I've had a queen sized bed since I was about 19 years old, and I can fill the other side of my bed with random things such as clean laundry, books, papers, my laptop, expensive cameras, dishes... You name it, I've fallen asleep beside it, and left it completely undisturbed.

2. I'm a weirdo when it comes to food. I really cannot stand raw tomatoes. But cook those suckers up!? Yum! I'll eat 'em pureed, sauced, broiled, baked, bbq'd, souped. But raw? Forget it! And don't even get me started on onions... Love onion soup. Hate onions.

3. I once ate so many pickled beets that I peed purple. No joke.

4. I can wiggle my ears. Like, without having to touch them with my hands. And I have only ever met a handful of other people who can do the same. My sister says it is because I haven't evolved. (She's rude.)

5. I hate socks. Coats, too. Neither of these facts are conducive to living in Canada's capital.

6. I hate drinking calories. I'd rather drink water, and eat real food. Thankfully, this is conducive to weight loss. Yay me!

7. I haven't eaten at a McDonald's, Wendy's, Harvey's, Burger King, etc....in well over a year. I used to eat there multiple times weekly. Yes, weekly.

8. The longest I have ever gone without washing my hair in my adult life was 9 days. Yes, 9. Don't judge me. It was straight at the time, and I used Tresemme Dry Shampoo and on the last day, I wore a hat. But yep. 9 days. It was awesome.

9. My guilty television pleasure? Coronation Street. Yes, it's old. Yes, they have one of the more unattractive television casts going today. But I can't help it. I watched it with my Great Grandma when I was little, gave up for many years, and they hooked me again about 4 years ago. *hanging my head in mock shame* (whatever. I bet you watch shit like Days of Our Lives. So we're even.)

10. Hi. My name is Jennifer, and I am a Tetris addict. It's true. My current score on Facebook Tetris is 695680 - but for some reason, they won't let me beat it. No joke. The game always cuts me off whenever I beat my best score for that day... Yet I keep trying. I even dream Tetris shapes sometimes. It's really very sick and disturbing.

11. No, I will not share my movie popcorn with you. Or anyone else. Don't even ask.

12. I don't feel "normal" unless I have painted toenails. Year round.

13. I have never ingested coffee. For real. I enjoy the smell of coffee beans, but not the taste. I have also never ever once tried smoking a cigarette. Ew.

14. I own approximately 50 bottles of nail polish. (see #12)

15. I have a fetish for oversized purses. Seriously, it's bad. You could fit small children inside a number of them. I will often find random bizarre things inside - bottles of ketchup, steak knives, plates, kiwis - it's a little game trick my friends like to play with on me.

I hope that you are all having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

Top 10 (make that 20) BEST Moments of Being The New Me.

1. August 9th, 2009. That's the day I knew that I had to change my life, and live the way I was constantly pushing and inspiring others to live for themselves. It was a moment of serious conflict for me - sadness and anger, because even though I didn't even know the heinous, horrendous number on the dreaded scale yet, I knew it couldn't be good. I was also excited about the future and taking control of my life.


2. Taking part in mini "Challenges" that Feather would design for me. Everything from... 1) Watching Supersize Me (side note: NEVER eating at McDonald's ever again!)  2) Using my awesome social skills to reach out to people who were already living a healthy life or who had been through this journey before. 3) Going to Aquafit (aka Aquagiggle) classes, etc....
Discovering new supportive friends like Feather (who has been my biggest cheerleader through all of this) was the icing on the cake, gravy on the fries, best and most unexpected surprise of all of this.

3. Having my first honest conversation about my ongoing life changes with a male. It wasn't even all that easy to talk about these things with my girlfriends, so when one of my best guy friends, I.R.R., started to gently and sincerely ask me questions about my journey, I took a deep breath and practiced being brave and open with him. To a GUY! Weird, I know. But you know what?!?! He was truly lovely and responded with a very sincere "I'm really proud of you." And those words meant the world to me. So small for some, but so HUGE for me.

4. I remember the day I had my first GREAT run last July. I FINALLY understood what all the fuss was about, and as I swiftly slowly ran jogged along the beautiful Rideau Canal, breathing in-in-out, listening to fab tunes on my jPod, I was high on life. Elated! Proud! And that feeling of being awesome literally stayed with me for days.

5. Who invites her closest and most beautiful and supportive friends over so she can light her old extra fat jeans on fire!?! THIS CHICK!!! What a humbling night that was...


6. Now that I've burned my old jeans, I need new ones...size 18 (which I know isn't small, but it's small for me) please and thank you. Turns out, not knowing and not caring about your weight and your size? Bad combo, folks. All. Bad. But getting down to a size 18!?! That moment made every cookie, chip and Mars bar that I have passed up totally worth it.

7. Who can bike 80km in like, 4 hours!?!?! THIS CHICK CAN!!!


8. September 19th, 2010. With my beautiful friends with me as we crossed the start line of the 5km Army Run together, we each set out to run our own race. And to describe this feeling is nearly impossible for me. At this point, I had lost 100 lbs, and was able to finally move my body and run alongside other people and actually feel like I had earned my place amongst these people. I had tears while I ran that race, and to say that I was proud of myself would be the understatement of the century. A measly 5km to some, limitless possibility and proof of my own self worth to me.

9. December 10th, 2010 - my company Christmas Party. How to describe this night? How to sum up of all my efforts to look good that night? I felt like Cinderella. I can think of no better comparison.

10. Who can hold a solid plank position for 1 minute and 47 seconds now? THIS CHICK CAN!!!

11. Every time I ride my bike and see new things in this gorgeous city through new eyes.

12. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day, and saw the new found definition in my shoulders and arms.

13. When I first found my collarbone. jawline. wrist bone. cheekbones.

14. Being able to casually lay my arm across my middle, while sitting with crossed legs.

15. A very handsome and sweet (married, so no, there are no sparks) co-worker contacting me to say that he was inspired by my life change, and had started watching what he eats and going to the gym. He recently came to see me to say that he has lost his first 20lbs. I am both humbled and insanely proud.

16. Going out to clubs, dance bars, pubs and feeling like I fit in with the normal-sized crowd now.

17. Every time I sit in a movie theatre, airplane, concert hall and fit into the damn seats.

18. Having darling AnnieBSmilin say that I inspire her. That girl? She is going to accomplish great things this year...and I am SO happy to have her in my corner.

19. Every single time someone tells me that I am beautiful. I'm starting to see what they see, for the first time in my life. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the attention, but I'm working on that.

20. Getting the dreaded elevator stare How you doin' look as I walk down the street, or through the produce section - or even that random text from a guy I used to date who saw me walking down the street a few weeks ago...just to say that he thinks I look sexy. Thanks. I'll take that. Cause I worked for it.


I am truly looking forward to adding things to this list as I go on....

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

Mucho love,
xoxox
~J

Top 10 Worst Moments of Being The Old Me.

1. My mother telling me that nobody would ever love me and I would never be beautiful as long as I was fat. Repeatedly and often from the ages of 9 - 18 when I finally gathered the courage to tell her to fuck. right. off.


2. Having my gall bladder removed at age 12, and the surgeon telling me about the fat layers he had to cut through to get at my organs. I was immediately put on a 1500 calorie a day diet after that. Which of course worked. For only a very short time as most diets do. 


3. Being 13 years old just starting to discover boys, watching my friends go on dates, and having 2 of my closest and most attractive guy friends who I had crushes on, telling me that I would be pretty and they would date me,...but only if I'd lose weight.


4. My mother emptying the contents of our fridge on to the kitchen table, screaming at me, forcing me to sit there, calling me a fat fucking pig, and telling me to eat. it. all. Because I had more than the number of slices of ham she allowed on my sandwich that day. I bawled my eyes out. I was 13.


5. At 18 years old, having an older female who worked in my store telling me in the half filled lunch room one day, that I would "be so pretty, if I could just lose weight." I was mortified.


6. An overweight woman that I knew, was shopping with her overweight husband and her overweight daughter-in-law, buying cologne for her overweight son. As I was helping them, I commented that the smell of Farenheit always triggered my sweet tooth for some reason. She gave me the dreaded elevator stare and told me that I clearly didn't need any more temptations. I was 20. So I got my 2 bestfriends to come with me and I egged her house. And her car.


7. My first day in Ottawa. I was 24 years old, and had arranged to rent a room in Barrhaven from a young, seemingly nice man. All arranged over the internet and via email without any idea what the other looked like. Within hours of my arrival, I heard him on the phone just a mere 10 steps away from my new room, telling his friend how hideously fat I was. I wanted to crawl in to a hole and die. And so began the absolute worst phase of closet eating that I have ever lived through.


8. 29 years old. Being at Busch Gardens in Florida with my boyfriend at the time. We waited in line forever to ride a roller coaster - my first time ever - and I even tried sitting in the seats for people with extra large chests. I still didn't fit.  I was humiliated beyond words and went to cry in the bathroom for awhile before coming out and happily visiting sulking around the rest of the theme park. My boyfriend, who as it turns out was a big jerk, did absolutely nothing to comfort or reassure me.


9. Now I am 30 years old, and I think I'm in love with the "great" man from point #8, who loves this Chubby Bunny as she is. We live together now. Turns out, he doesn't really love me at all. He calls me awful names, and does more unspeakable things to me, and wants to do more, but I don't allow it. I feel like the light within me is slowly being put out. I miss my friends. I notice that I am not smiling a lot anymore. Worst of all? I miss myself. I believe with my whole heart and soul that this man preyed upon me when we met. He saw something in me that made me a target for his abuse, which I lived with until I finally kicked his sorry ass out. And changed the locks.


10. I am now 31 years old and living alone, in the house I have always wanted, on the corner lot I always dreamed about. And I am slowly but surely eating my way through the emotions of the 9 points preceeding this one. I am now quite convinced that it's all true. All of those messages (from all those people, including people who I loved unconditionally), about my weight have amounted to this: I am alone, I am unloved, my weight holds me back, and I allow it to define me, and I fear that I may never find my way out of this place. Key word: MAY. Because there is always the chance that I will find fight my way out of here, and come back on top of the world and make a list of the Top 10 BEST Moments of Being The New Me.

Hang tight. It's coming soon.


I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!


xoxox
Love,
~J


**At age 18, I literally told my mother to go fuck herself. In a big and loud way. And I also said that if she ever spoke to me that way again, or said those awful things to me Ever. Again., I would leave, and our relationship would cease to exist. As in, she wouldn't get to be in my life anymore, and she would have to live with that for the rest of hers. She mostly stopped the verbally tossed bricks then. And her comments from that point on were always a little more subdued, but they never truly and fully went away. I just slowly stopped letting them hurt me. As much.

Expectations...

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.  ~Fritz Perls

That pretty sums up how I feel about life, and more specifically, friends.

Jesus, I can barely live up to my own expectations, let alone yours.

What do I expect from the people around me?!? To be treated kindly, honestly, respectfully. You know, basic human decency. Oh, and I expect (and hope) to never be cheated on again. But that kind of falls under the honesty clause, I think.

The very best friends you will ever have in your life are the ones who you can pick up with after 6 days, weeks, months or years - without skipping a beat, and without any guilt.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what real lifelong friendships are based on.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
Love,
~J