NCC Race Weekend 10km.

Here is a summary of my 10km Race day:

Up at 7:00 a.m.
Watched my PVR'd episode of Coronation Street.
Accidentally deleted all my music from my RunPod.
Nearly had an emotional breakdown because I am technologically challenged.
Called one of my Boyz, Kwesi, who talked me off the roof. Thank you!
Spent almost 2 hours reloading the specific tunes I wanted on my RunPod.
Painted my nails hot pink.
Effed around on Facebook.
Took a bath.

Pinned my bib on my shirt, and laced my chip up on my shoe.
Dressed, and ready to head downtown for 4 p.m.

I was definitely ready to go cheer on my friends who were running the 5km at 5:00, and it was a good thing, too - I had lots of nervous energy to get rid of before my 10km started at 6:30.

NCC Race Weekend is the 2nd biggest race weekend in all of Canada, and it's a qualifier for the Boston Marathon as well. People break records here, and it is AMAZING to be part of something so energetic, positive and united.

I had managed to spread the word to all my running buddies, and we met up before the race to wish each other well, and take some pre-race pictures.

I was nervous for a few reasons... I hadn't run in 12 days, I hadn't eaten well all day because I had pesky butterflies in my tummy, I have "defective" squishy pinky toes that are prone to chafing and blisters, and I hadn't run the course to know what to expect.

For me, this race wasn't about getting the best time, or beating any "personal bests" it was about finishing upright, smiling, injury free, and cute for the pictures. I really wanted to run this race with Feather by my side - she has been the most physically involved friend in my life for the past 2 years, and I don't think that either one of us would have done this without the other. She is my very favourite running partner, and has helped shaped me in to the new and improved version of myself.

It was hot, humid, sweaty and amazing to run with Feather and almost 10 000 other people.



Feather and I trucked along just fine for the first 5km, but as we reached 7km, I was feeling tired and my mind started playing the old "you could just finish it walking" reel. But there was no way I was going to let that happen! Then we reached 8km, and my left shoulder cramps up something fierce - likely due to a lack of food yesterday. Feather literally dug her knuckles in to me, and we kept going.

The volunteers and cheerleaders along the route were phenomenal! There were 3 signs that I loved:
"Running is a mental sport. And we are all insane!"
"Remember...you paid for this!"
"Your feet hurt from kicking so much ass!"

Seeing my bright smiley friend, Anniebsmilin towards the end was a welcome boost of morale, and the absolute BEST moment!?!?! Crossing the finish line hand in hand with Feather. It was exactly what I had hoped would happen, and such a proud moment for the both of us.

2 years ago, Feather began recovery from hip surgery, and I was so overweight that I couldn't walk 3 minutes to the cafeteria at work without getting out of breath.

We are proof positive that if you want it bad enough, and you work hard enough, you can achieve absolutely anything that you set out to do.

So for the time being, we will work on getting more comfortable with our 10km distance and pace, and after that!?! We are going to WALK a half...and then we will run one.

Oh. Jesus. Did I just say that!?!?

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!

xoxox
~J

Banana Republic Update.

So I tried The Dress on for Feather, and she asked me if I had tried the size 12 on.

Me: "No"
Feather: "Why not? This looks like it may be too big. And the boob cups are too big, or the shoulder straps may be too long."
Me: "Because I'm not even a 14, so I am definitely not a 12."

I went back to Banana Republic today. Turns out? The 12? Actually does fit better than the 14. Plus, let's face it, I'm still shrinking, right!?!

And the sweet sweet icing on the cake? I got a 50% coupon today. So I got a refund for the 14, and bought the 12 at half off. Because that's what smart girls do.

I'm still reeling from this Banana Republic Reality. True story.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

Biggest Loser Girl Power!

I never used to watch The Biggest Loser. It felt so hypocritical to sit and watch people lose weight, while I stuffed my face with junk food night after night as I wondered what was wrong with me? Where had I gone wrong? Why was I so lonely? Why didn't anyone love me? And I would sink deeper into feeling like "nothing".

I wasn't anywhere near ready to absorb the lessons, apply the tips, or hear the inspirational stories of the contestants - all of whom apply for their spot on campus for their own very personal reasons. I wasn't ready to face myself, or any of the reasons why food was keeping me from the emotional exploration that was needed, or why I was allowing my weight to stop me from experiencing Real. Life.

While it isn't realistic for those of us who don't get to travel to the BL campus and lose 100lbs in 5 months with the worlds BEST trainers - Jillian and Bob - there is no way people can deny that this show provides inspiration, and that it holds up the mirror to anyone out there struggling with food and weight issues.

I'm going to keep this short - this is my 4th season, and by far, it was my favourite. The players all really loved each other, and weren't overly concerned with "winning" the game, taking each other down, or stabbing each other in the back.

And in the end, it came down to 3 females - a Biggest Loser first that included 2 sisters, Olivia and Hannah - these women are tough, strong, reinvented, inspirational and FIERCE!!! The sisters reminded me of my sister and I - alike in so many ways, yet completely different, with their own story and trekking along on their own journey.

Bottom line is this: I have had a lot of resources through my life change, and The Biggest Loser was just another one of those resources.

It doesn't matter if it's a tv show, a book, a real life friend, or if you're doing it on your own. The important thing, is that you do it.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day.

xoxox
~J

100 lb goals.

Oh. My. God. I cannot even believe that I forgot to write about this! Anyone who knows me, knows that I sometimes set random health related goals for myself. Some of which I consistently work hard to achieve, and others that I rarely think about until it comes time to do them again.

I've been working hard to get to my goal of chest pressing 50lb dumbbells on a flat bench, and I recently did it!!! I am now able to do one set of 10 reps at 45lbs, and two sets of 10 reps (presses) at 50lbs!!!

I love feeling strong, and I love the muscles I'm building. I love knowing that if I had to, I could defend myself against someone trying to hurt me, and I love reaching my goals.

I can now chest press the amount of weight I have lost. Pretty nuts when you think about it.

Trainer Mike suggested that I now aim for the 60's, and I told him to piss off. Hmmmmmm....on second thought, maybe I will go for it.

Have an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

P.S. I searched on youtube to find videos of girls doing the same thing, and they are very hard to come by. Boys?  Oodles of videos. Girls? Not so much. The girl in this video is FIERCE!!!

I'm a Lazy Ass.

I always have something to do, somewhere to be, someone to see. Literally, always.

Even on days when I say that I am not doing anything, you will find me doing any number of the following: tooling around at the grocery store, going to the gym, changing the sheets on my bed, doing laundry & dishes, and getting talked in to a coffee/movie/dinner date with a friend.

For the first time in a really long time, I sat around my apartment ALL. DAY. today.

The most taxing thing I did was shower quickly and drive I.R.R's 12 year old daughter home after our sleepover last night. Aside from that, I think I have watched 7 episodes of Ellen and 4 of Oprah that I had pvr'd. As well as The Outsiders - that old classic starring the Brat Pack from the 80's which I had never seen before.

My old friend Guilt started to set in around 4 p.m., but I somehow managed to punch that bitch in the face to shut her up.
It is now 10 p.m., and I am still in elasticized pants, with no make up on, unwashed hair, but hot pink freshly painted nails.

Today was perfect. I did exactly what I wanted to do.

I hope that you spent your Victoria Day doing exactly what YOU wanted to do and that it was AWESOME.

xoxox
~J

Banana Republic Silk Dreams...

I think it's completely normal for anyone who is losing weight to set their sights on specific stores or brands. Stores we have always swooned over, but never dreamed we would fit into.
My personal short list goes something like this:

Lulu Lemon
Banana Republic
Gap
Tall Girl
Le Chateau
Amerian Eagle
Old Navy

I used to shop with my girlfriends at all of these stores, and sit politely on the sidelines while they tried on clothes, and asked for my opinon as I pretended to be busy reading a magazine, or checking out the hair accessories, or the purses and shoes - the stuff that always fits. I would sit for hours upon hours and just watch - never able to take part in the fun.

In return, my friends would always let me drag them to the 1 or 2 plus sized stores where I was able to shop, and they would offer lovely compliments and heaps of support as I closed in on a meltdown, breakdown or hissy fit because "nothing fit".

As I continue shrinking, I really have absolutely no frigging idea what size I truly am. In some stores, it's still an 18, in others it's a 16. There seems to be no continuity in the fashion industry over what size is what.

Anyways, today I got brave. I was alone at the mall and went in to Banana Republic so that I could touch and caress some pretty dresses and tops. Oh Christ....they have the prettiest dresses in stock right now. I just had to try them on!

Guess what!!??

This is me in a size 14 from Banana Republic, people.

Price be damned. On principle alone, I had to buy it. Why!? Because it's more than just a dress, and it's more than a size. It's about fitting in with "normal", and living a dream.

(I always do this, by the way. Go shopping alone, but take pictures and text them to the people who I know will give me honest feedback. "Should I buy this?")

There were at least 4 more dresses I really really really wanted to take home with me today, but I just couldn't. I may be a girl with dreams, but I am also a girl with a budget. (Whether or not I stick to the budget is irrelevant today.)

If you are reaching for a dream, I say go and frigging get it! No matter how big or small, or how insignificant it may seem to some people, if you want it? Work for it, and get it.

I did. And Jesus it feels good. It's a silk freaking dress people! Of course it feels good!!!

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

I wish every day.....



I wish that every day was like my Birthday.

Or that it were socially acceptable to wear a tiara in public at 34 years old.

I can't help that I respond so well to "Princess".

I hope that you are equally as surrounded and loved every day.

Have an AWESOME day!

xoxox
~J

Strong Women. Strong Woman.

I'm strong. I have always been strong. I will always be strong.

And somehow, despite my strength, my intelligence, and the troops who surround me; when I was 28 years old, I allowed myself to get in to an abusive relationship.

It lasted just over 2 years. While I was in it, and for a long time after it ended, I struggled with accepting the term "abusive relationship". I sometimes still struggle with that term.

Nooooooo....surely that couldn't have happened to me. I'm the one who always told her girlfriends to run as fast as they could away from the jerks they let in to their lives.
Nooooooo....I would never allow a man to mistreat me, call me awful names, humiliate me and make me feel badly about myself.
I had always said that if a man ever hit me, he'd lose the ability to father children.
And I would most certainly never ever ever be so blind that I would allow a man to break me down in such a way that I didn't even see it coming.

And yet, it came.

Now that I have walked so far away from it, and as things continue to become clearer to me, I have come to discover that it is not only important to put yourself back together, it is equally as important to examine how you came to find yourself in that place to begin with.

What did he see in me that let him know he could prey and I would play dead? What did he see that let him know how vulnerable I really was?

I believe that underneath it all, he saw the darkest and saddest parts of me - a lack of confidence, the inability to stand up for myself, the desperate need to be "loved", and the desire to fit myself in amongst all the other couples who surrounded me.

He saw a big, beautiful woman - BBW, for short, as we are known in online dating ads. And at first, he wooed me by saying that he loved me - all of me - exactly as I was, which was all I had ever really wanted. He would tell me I was beautiful, and that he had never met anyone as "extraordinary" as me before. Music to my lonely ears.

It happens to strong women all the time. It happens to all sorts of woman all the time.

I can tell you this though.....it won't ever happen to me again.

I am not the same girl I was 4 years ago. Fundamentally, not much has changed - I still maintain all the same core qualities I always had, but I now have my two feet planted firmly in their own unique place in this world. I am filled up with happiness in a much deeper way than I ever was before, and I have discovered my own inner strength - something I never knew I had.

Nobody can take that away from me. I won't let them.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
Love,
~J

P.S. It's better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

P.P.S. I wish this video was the whole interview with Kirstie Alley - she touches on having the same sort of thing happen to her... I like how she put it. And sadly, it just goes to show that nobody is immune.

Living First.

Today marks the day I ran my first ever 10km.

In just slightly less than my NCC Race Day goal of 80 minutes.

I found myself alone amongst my running room group today - which is precisely how I like it, actually. My ideal running conditions are between 15 and 20 degrees, sunny, music playing in one ear, my consistent breathing in the other, alone but with other people beside me - Feather being my #1 running partner.

I can talk if I choose to, but I mostly don't. I let my mind wander from trivial to heavy and back again...

Today, I started to think back over all the years I have been alive, without really LIVING. 

Had you met me back then, you would have seen a strong, funny, lovable girl...and you probably would have adored me, like most people seem to. But you would not have really seen me. I wouldn't have let you. Because way deep down inside, behind the bright dimpled smile, the hilarious jokes (if I do say so myself) and undeniable strength, lay a girl who felt like she was nothing, nobody, incapable, and simply not good enough.

I remember exactly when the switch got flicked for me.
The moment I decided to stop abandoning myself.

And I am so ridiculously thankful that it did. If I could, I would bottle and sell that moment. Or this feeling.

Because everybody dies, but not everybody LIVES.

I am so happy to be walking and running amongst the living now.

I have experienced a flood of emotions today, laced with ample gratitude for everything and everyone I have in my life. I love love love you all!

Have an awesome day!
xoxox
~Jenn

50 random things that make me happy...

I know it ain't easy....but for the most part, isn't life meant to be enjoyed? savoured? lived? appreciated? Here is a list of things I am thankful for and happy to have....just the tip of the iceberg, really, cause I could go on and on... And on. And on.


1. Original thought


2. Fantastic quotes


3. People who are willing to see things from both sides, not just their own


4. BIG purses


5. Reliable ALL weather friends


6. Sleeping in till past 6:30 am


7. High quality make up


8. People with depth of character


9. Open fires


10. Stimulating conversation


11. Popsicles


12. Children


13. Art that moves me


14. MEN. MEN. MEN.


15. My little condo sanctuary in the sky

16. Being appreciated and loved - exactly as I am


17. Scrabble!


18. Tetris!  (I am addicted)

19. Nail polish - I recently downsized to about 40 bottles


20. Facebook


21. Watching people evolve into better versions of themselves


22. Enjoying the ride while I evolve into a better version of me


23. Going HOME to Newfoundland


24. Riding my bicycle


25. HATS


26. Flip flops


27. The OCEAN - the sound, the smell, the salt water on my skin


28. Every lesson I have learned, even if it was the hard way

29. Apples, fresh pineapple, crisp grapes

30. The ability to exercise and move my body

31. Yummy cheese

32. Bread, to go with the yummy cheese

33. Living in a country where I am free and able to express myself, and my sexuality

34. Bacon - which absolutely deserves it's own food group

35. The ability to walk, run, see, hear, read, write

36. Wind in my hair

37. Men who put their hands behind my head as we lay with each other

38. Men who put their hands on my face when they kiss me


39. Both the Oprah and Ellen shows


40. The book Eat Pray Love

41. Running along the canal

42. Playing a role in making other people feel good, better, more confident, happier

43. Romantic comedy movies

44. Super long dresses

45. Whenever friends invite me for dinner - I love real meals

46. Sunny days

47. Trees, rocks and water

48. Chocolate - OMG, I can't believe I nearly forgot to add chocolate!

49. Music, my iPod, iTunes

50. Movie popcorn

So there's the list. It's obviously not a complete list of the things that make me happy in life, but I'd like to think that it shows I appreciate a lot of really small things in life.

Lately, I find myself feeling blissfully happy. I hope that you are too. And if not? Come hang out with me for awhile. Maybe I will rub off on you a little bit. Or rub up against you, which could also make you happier. Hahahaha... just kidding. Maybe.

Have an AWESOME day!!!

xoxox
~Jenn

The chicken? or the egg?

Which came first? The chicken? Or the egg?

Haven't we all heard this metaphorical question asked before?

Today, I ask it because I have been approached by 2 separate very attractive men 2 days apart in the past week. A guy friend of mine joked that he will soon have to start booking my time way in advance, because this sort of thing is going to keep happening to me.

I don't know that I fully agree with him about that...but I have definitely started to wonder what is bringing this on?

Is it that I am more appealing to the general male population now that I have shed some pounds and found some curves?
Or is it that I am more confident because I have worked hard to achieve new goals and in the process realized that I have a lot of great qualities and strengths to offer?

Debatable, and of course, not all men are attracted to me, so it largely boils down to personal preferences...but I am most certainly noticing a difference in the way I am being treated by the boys lately.
They are flirtier, more affectionate, and chattier than they used to be with me.
Or maybe I am flirtier, more affectionate and chattier with them?

Bah! We could be here all day hashing this out I suppose.

And I guess it really doesn't matter which came first...they both have positive outcomes. And if I were being totally honest, I would say that I have always been a flirty girl, but now I am slowly learning what to do with the attention.

Soak it up, of course!!! Duh!!!

No seriously, bring. it. on.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

P.S. I ran my first ever 9km this morning. I didn't gag, vomit or die. This is a great day.