All over the map.

I'm not really sure if I should even write this post, because it doesn't even make sense in my own head - there is no fluidity to my thoughts and feelings these days - so it sure as shit won't make any sense to any of you. But I write this mostly for me, and in an effort to keep on identifying my feelings, as opposed to eating them, I will do my best to sum it up as succinctly as possible.

File this under getting it out, letting it go, trust, and move on...

I had a careless, clueless friend say something hurtful to me a few weeks back. He doesn't even know that he did it, or the effect it has had on me - but it did spawn this post. The saddest part, is that I haven't been able to fully let it go. It still baffles me how the bad stuff is always easier to believe, and how I can hold on to negative comments because they are so familiar and comfortable to me. They are all I have known for so many years, that they sometimes still win.

I feel like I have been lazy lately. I still go see Trainer Mike 2x a week, and I group lead a 'Learn To Run' clinic with The Running Room 3x a week - which isn't a long enough run for me, and I know it. I have to start going for longer runs, and I have to get back into regular gym visits. I'm not done with this life-change-weight-loss journey. There is no going back, but I have to stop feeling badly about slowing down for awhile. Now, to find that kickass motivation and energy that I had last year. If you find it, please let me know...

I'm starting to wonder if I have possibly hit the jackpot in the 'man' department, and while I am crazy happy and excited, I am still nervous and scared. It's been a looooong time since I have liked someone this much, missed them when they aren't around, and wanted to be in their company for more than just a few hours or a night. It's weird for me to feel these things...for a sane man. It's even more weird to not have the relationship centre around food, or sex, because this is based on a foundation of friendship and mutual adoration. It feels real and stable. What a novel concept!
I have to learn to trust. I have to learn to feel my feelings. I have to learn how to communicate clearly and effectively. I have to learn how to be a girlfriend...  Hmmmmmm.....maybe when I am ready to use that word myself, we will know that we have really broken through a barrier.

My focus needs more focus.

Gym. Run. Eat well. Feel feelings. Ignore the negative. Believe the positive. Remember how far I have come. Be proud of myself. Save some money forChristsakes. Communicate. Be open. Like him. Trust it.

I'm worth it.

Maybe I just needed to make a list and put it out there....because somehow, I feel slightly better now. Amazing how that happens, really....

Hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

Dear Mom.

Dear Mom,

I will start by telling you that I love you. With my whole heart, I really do love you. I have tremendous respect for you, and give you props for raising 2 kids all alone from the age of 22. I love you unconditionally - even when it feels like you are trying to control me, and when you drink too much, or say mean things, and even when it feels like you don't love me unconditionally right back.

A long time ago, my therapist told me that I should write a letter to you...to tell you how I feel, and try to convey my needs to you in a way that wouldn't leave us completely estranged.
I have never been able to figure out how to do that, because I am not entirely certain that you could restrain yourself from disowning me, no matter how I approach things with you.

That concept makes me sad - it's an awful thing to be sure that had I not come to you first, bridged the gaps, or apologized for my "behaviour" when we have fallen out in the past, we wouldn't have a relationship at all, because you don't do apologies. Just grudges.

And so this letter I am writing, I will never send. I write it only to get it out, let it go, and keep our relationship status quo.

Thankfully, I have Jules, a few other family members, and my homemade family of lifelong friends who have been by my side for the past 20+ years while I rode along on the roller coaster that is being your daughter. These people - some of whom you have cut out of your life for various ridiculous or unknown reasons - all understand me without me really having to explain much. They just get it, because they have been there.

I love coming home, and yet I never know how much time to spend with you when I am there. And here is how I explain it to people: I have to spend enough time with you to keep you happy, but not so much time that just the sight of me pisses you off and annoys you. I have to mind all my P's and Q's the same as I did when I was 12, and be sure to pay my own way (or at the very least reach for my wallet to pay for dinner/movies/groceries). I have to guess where the indelible line is on an almost hourly basis, to try and avoid crossing over it, and ending up having no relationship with you at all. I usually need a vacation from my vacation after being home for a trip.

Without question, you are one of the strongest women I have ever known - and it is both a blessing and a curse. Your own cross to bear, in the end, I believe.
That strength, which carried you through your own journey, which you instilled into Jules and I, is unfortunately the same strength that keeps you on the 'right' side of the fence...when everyone else is 'wrong' in your opinion. Inconceivable that any one person could be right all of the time, but perfectly sensible to you.

I always tell people that you are as honest as the day is long. And when it's laid out there like that, of course that seems like a wonderful quality to have. Except that your honesty knows no barriers, and your mouth holds no filters. While I take your backhanded compliments and judgemental comments with a grain of salt, it has taken me over 30 years to be able to do that. And ridding myself of your torturous negative voice in my head was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Logically, I know that you did the best you could with what you had, and I really do appreciate all the sacrifices you made, the hard work you did, the braces on my teeth and the school trips you paid for...but I cannot help but wish I had the kind of mom who told me I was pretty, summoned the words to say she was proud of me, and had the kind of open heart and warmth that I lacked growing up. I would have traded that 'stuff' in a heartbeart for the things that really matter.
I still would.

To the best of my ability, I have let go of my need to hear kind words from you. I am working on creating and believing them for myself, and I am cultivating relationships with people who are affectionate, loving, warm and unconditional. I get incredible support and words of encouragement from the amazing people who surround me - in real life, and virtually (thank you Twitter peeps like Peady, Lara, recky_e, mmesiouxie, gmarx and more...)

And I will work to let go of any grudges or negative feelings from this day forward, because neither of those emotions are in line with who I ultimately want to be. Who I work towards becoming. And somewhere deep inside, even if you can't say the words to me, I'd like to think you are proud.

I love you. Really and truly.
xoxox
~J

A picture is worth a thousand words.

As you know, I just got home from Newfoundland. I tend to go every year. I was just looking at pictures from my trip 2 years ago, and compared them against pictures of this trip. Holy holy shit.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
And that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

If you are about to embark on your own journey of a thousand miles...if you are going to put yourself on your own priority list again, make good choices, start saying 'yes' to yourself and 'no' to others, start moving your able body before it's too late and change your life for the better...take pictures. You are going to want to look back at those shots to remember where you came from, so that you can be proud of how far you have come.

I was slowly eating myself into a ridiculously unhealthy and unhappy state before I made the decision to change my life. On the outside, I smiled all the time - as you can see in the pictures - but deep down inside, when I started to get honest with myself, there were places of deep sadness, pain, rejection and unworthiness. There were issues I had to address, more that I had to let go of, and beliefs that I had to squash - before they squashed me.

Without question, the hardest part of changing my life wasn't making better food choices, or exercising more. The brutal part has been addressing all the reasons I was using food to comfort, console, and isolate myself.
It used to feel so safe behind those walls I had built to keep others out.

Damn lonely, but safe.

By opening up, being honest, telling my story, and being brave, I have managed to make undeniable changes for the better.

There simply is no comparison.
I am not the same person I once was.
I am also not done yet.

The thousand mile journey continues...one step, one day at a time.
I mess up sometimes, but I keep going. keep going. keep going.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!!!

xoxox

~J

My womb. My rules.

I have a beef. It's been bugging me for awhile...off and on for years, really. And here it is: I am very tired of people presumptuously telling me that I "have to have children".

Yes, I love babies. And toddlers. And children of almost all ages. And I have "witness a birth" on my Bucket List. The miracle of how children are conceived, carried, and birthed, truly boggles my mind. Watching a newborn baby instinctively move towards its mothers nipple, is amazing to me. I appreciate every aspect of it. From afar.

I understand that you have  your own children, and cannot imagine life without them, and furthermore, you cannot imagine my life without them. But here is the thing...I have always maintained that I want children in my life, but I am not sold on the idea that I have to raise them full time from birth in order to love them.

Check out these babies...imagine me cooing, and ahhhhing at them. Because that's exactly what I do. I cuddle, hold, kiss, hug and love all the children in my life. And then I give them back. And I happen to really like being able to do that.

Sure, I have had fleeting moments where I have seen someone with an especially cute, really well behaved child and thought "Oh! I want one of those!". And just as quickly as the sentiment flies in, it flies right back out again. Those thoughts have never hung around for longer than a minute or two with me.

I'm 34 years old, and my internal clock simply isn't ticking. It's mine damn it. I would know if it was. But just like I was never the kind of girl who pretended that the living room curtains were a veil and I was a beautiful bride, I also never shoved a basketball or a balloon up my shirt pretending that I was pregnant.

Some people were placed here on earth to be full-time-25-year parents - my best friend Air is definitely one of them - but it simply isn't the right decision for everyone. And right now, for the foreseeable future, it isn't what I want for myself. Who knows if that will change in years to come, but until then? The same way I think people shouldn't ask newlyweds when they are going to reproduce because it's rude, I wish people would stop telling me that I "have to have kids".

I hope you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

P.S. While I wouldn't ever go so far as to agree with every point made on this list of reasons not to have kids, I have to admit that number of them struck a chord with me...I like my life a lot right now...loving kids, but having free time for me. It works for me.

Down Home.

I'm home. Back in Ottawa from my trip to my former home, Newfoundland. The weather was garbage, the food greasy and salty, the company stellar, the laughs plentiful, the R n' D developing, the tests all passed, and the memories life-lasting.
It was 9 days of driving, managing schedules, walking the tightrope relationship I have with my mom, 1 night at a cottage, a wedding, a birth, and a serious lack of sleep.

I'm too tired to write about it all right now....so here it is in pictures.

Ironically, Westside Charlie's is located in the East end of St. John's.
The sign was too funny not to photograph and post. Those Newfies sure do have a sense of humour.

Yes Virginia, there really is a place called Dildo, Newfoundland.
There is also a Come By Chance, Blow Me Down, and a Spread Eagle.
Not much else to do in Newfoundland besides fish and (cover your ears, kids!) fuck, as they say.

I'm not usually a very fancy girl, so wearing this dress in public, in front of people I don't know very well was a HUGE step for me. 100% silk too!
I was only slightly embarrassed to use my dinner napkin as a bib during dinner.

On a canary yellow house, I found this sign. It's true. I had to take the picture.

I have no memory of ever completing the entire North Head hike on Signal Hill in my whole life. And 2 years ago....100 pounds ago...this walk would have killed me. I wouldn't have even tried to climb the 700+ stairs, or ascend the 500+ feet. Lord Tunderin Jesus, times sure have changed buddy...

And this little gem was the grand finale of my trip! Gorgeous little Annie was due on the 9th of August, but she wasn't quite ready to make her appearance on that day...she held out for a whole extra week. On the day I was due to leave, her mama went in to labour, and so I high tailed it to the airport, let the waterworks flow, and talked the nice lady at the Porter counter to let me leave the following day. While I wasn't allowed in the room while Annie made her grand entrance, I was able to sneak in once she had been weighed and measured. 9lbs, 10 ounces, this beauty weighs in heavier than her 2 brothers did. And she is perfect.

I hope, as always, that you are having an AWESOME day!!!
xoxox
~J

 

Jennifer's Body.

Are there people out there who are not self conscious? Who don't have issues with their bodies? People who don't wish with all their might that they had smaller hips, more toned legs, an apple bottom in their jeans, and no chicken wings on their arms? Are there women who don't want bigger (or smaller), perkier boobs? Are there men who don't want bigger shoulders? Stronger arms? and 9.5 inches in their pants? Do truly secure people like this actually exist?

I personally don't know any.

And I am no exception.

But as I have said before, "My body is strong, curvy, and tells the story of my life. To not love it, is to not love me. And I deserve to be loved by myself, and the men I allow into my life."

I really truly do. In my head, I know this. I am working on it. I really am.
Ever notice though, that when you let someone new in to your life...and into your bed, that you are all kinds of self conscious again? When it's a friend with benefits, the primary (and often sole) goal, is to get in, get off, and get out - body issues don't seem to matter much in those times.

When it's someone that you care about though, you find yourself caring what they think.

I want him to touch and explore me everywhere, but I'd rather die than have him feel the ropey 8 inch scar on my stomach from having my gall bladder removed.
I want him to caress and tickle my sides playfully, but not go anywhere near the squish that is still far too abundant on my tummy.

I want him to gently bite my shoulders and down my back, skipping the scars that remain from having moles removed.
I want him to scratch the skin down my arms and give me chills all over, but ignore the fact that my biceps and triceps are really only apparent when I flex or lean above him for awhile.
I want him to run his hands up and down the length of my legs, feeling how strong they are, remaining oblivious to the extra padding that I work so hard to turn into muscle.
I want him to explore my breasts with his hands and mouth, but he will sadly never know how full and firm they used to be.
I want him all over me. And I want so badly to feel as confident and comfortable naked as I do fully clothed.

I have done all this work to gain strength of character, spirit and body, but the lack of body confidence sticks like goddamn crazy glue.

My body isn't smooth, firm, or textbook "perfect". It never will be. I stand a models height at 5'10", but I will never have a models body. And let me get really honest here, you don't work to lose 100 pounds and not require surgery to nip and tuck away the excess. Nuff' said.

And while I still wouldn't change a single thing about my life, or my past...everything that has happened and every decision I have made to this point have shaped who I am - I like myself. I love who I am. I just still cannot help sometimes wallowing in anger and sadness for having done this to my body. Using food as my security and my comfort blanket has left me with what I fear may be irreparable damage. And what sometimes feels like insurmountable insecurities.

Just letting it out....and of course, hoping that you are having an AWESOME day!

xoxox
Love,
~J