I know where I went wrong...

I have been giving a lot of thought to all of the things that have contributed to my recent slip in this weight loss journey. There are a number of them, so here is the numbered list, in no specific order.


1. I stopped tracking my food. Over the last 2 years, I have used a few different websites, as well as the old fashioned pen and paper, but I gave up tracking altogether months ago, and only picked it up again last week thanks to myfitnesspal.com - which ROCKS! Thank you for your support, Anne.
Dear self, If you bite it, you write it!


2. In the time that I had given up tracking my food and counting calories, I had taken up eating mixed nuts. Mixed nuts with M&M's in them. 1-2 handfuls almost everyday. Well guess what!?! I measured them out the other day, added them to my daily food tracking on myfitnesspal.com and discovered that they were just over 500 calories! I ate 2 nuts and then gave the rest away.
Dear self, lay off the frigging nuts.


3. It is no secret that I have spent the last 6 months falling in love with my best friend. It is also no secret that I am a girl with many issues. Not least of which are fear of letting people in and eating too much food. Or moreover, how to deal with fear, stress, loneliness, and letting someone get close to me without food as my comfort blanket. I really did do a great job of FEELING my way through him breaking down my walls, but I also ATE part of that process because I was scared to let him too close. I do get a Thumbs up! though, because I only ate my way through....let's say 25-30% of the feelings, where it would have been 100% 2.5 years ago.
Dear self, It may have been scary, but you are past that now. Be strong. Go forward. Let him love you. And love him back. P.S. You can talk to him about this stuff. He believes in you.


4. I stopped focusing on cardio as much as I should. Walking 4-5 km isn't enough of a calorie burn for me anymore. Walking 10km is. Running is not part of the plan for now because of my knees, but I will run again. I am sure of it. Meantime? Elliptical, bike, walk and the occasional swim are my cardio best friends.
Dear self, Focus on what you CAN do, not what you CANNOT change. Your knees hurt? Get your ass on the elliptical.

5. I kind of ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. Now, that never once meant diving in to a whole bag of chips, or a whole medium pizza. But it does mean that I did eat chips, and wings, and pizza. And they stopped being occasional "treats".
Dear self, You are allowed to have treats, but you have to earn them, and you don't get them multiple times per week. Aim for a calorie deficit daily. You will get there, and you can still live life, and enjoy the foods you love. In moderation.


6. I traveled a fair bit. I spent every single weekend in the summer road tripping all over hells half acre. I went home to Newfoundland for a week, I went to Florida for a week, and I went to Dominican for an all-inclusive week. None of which were done with much moderation on my part. Fail.
Dear self, You are allowed to go on holidays, but you are not allowed to eat like you have never seen food before. At the very least, walk some more to balance it out.


The bottom line is that I got complacent, and even felt deserving of a break. Since August of 2009, the number on the scale, and the food put in my mouth has consumed my every waking moment. I counted, I tracked, I worked out, I said 'no' a whole lot more than I said 'yes', and I got tired. Maybe I needed a break from the tedious task of keeping myself on track. And maybe I even deserved a break. Christ knows we all do sometimes.


Call it a mistake, call it a break, call it whatever you want...but I'm not done yet. I am reincorporating all the tricks that worked so well for me before, and I already feel 100x better for it.


At the end of the day, I owe it to myself. I am worth the effort.


I hope that your day is pure awesome!
xoxox
~J

As strong as I have to be...

Here's the deal. I am a girl. Through and through, a total girly girl.

I like make up, nail polish, and purses.

Jann Arden, Alanis Morrissette and Adele are just some of my fave female artists, and pink is my favourite colour.

I cry at movies, commercials, and beautiful moments between people who surround me.

I wear my hair long, and rarely leave the house without mascara.

I'm not really in to dirt, monster trucks, really loud noises, bathroom humour, or guns.


I don't want to think about new tires for my car, or read the instructions on how the hell my new camera/tv/external hard drive works!


I don't want to caulk my windows, and I definitely don't want to go to Canadian Freaking Tire to buy stupid light bulbs.


I am also a really strong girl.

I can bench press 60lb dumbells. Yes, 60lbs. Dumbells.


        Per.


            Hand.


I own my home, deal with the bank on my own, and pay most of my bills on time.

I have been doing my own laundry and making my own lunch since I was in 3rd grade.

I have learned every single lesson in my life the hard way. The gift of foresight wasn't bestowed upon me, as it was my beautiful sister.

I have unquestionable resilience, and I have stood on my own for a very long time.

I am definitely one of the strongest girly girls I know. I am as strong as I have to be with my walls, my insecurities and my doubts.

It is exhausting sometimes.

And yet, I have longed to feel, for lack of a better term, taken care of.

Everywhere I went, I always had my eyes open, looking to find a genuinely nice, consistently kind man - not entirely convinced that I would find one, but knowing they existed because all my bestfriends are married to them.

I wanted deserved! someone I could lean on, share myself and my story with, and someone to help me carry the load, so to speak.

I wanted deserved! to find someone who is proud to be with me, gets why he is lucky to have me, and does the work to keep me....around, and interested.

My whole life, I always envisioned and hoped that I would fall in love with my best guy friend. And I did. Multiple times. They just didn't love me back.

Unrequited love is still love, right?!?

This time it is different though. The "L" bomb has been dropped, reciprocated, and we are finally past my holy-shit-I-am-falling-for-him-and-it-scares-the-hell-out-of-me stage, too.

We are in it. Not going anywhere. Doing it right, taking it slow, carefully considerate where his ex and son are concerned, and laughing our heads off every step of the way.

Finally! I feel so ridiculously lucky, so sweetly cared for, so gently understood and so strongly supported that I had to share. Because if it can happen for me, it can happen for you...I have no doubt whatsoever.

I hope that you are having an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~J

21 Days...

Confession time. I have fallen off the weight loss wagon. And I am not a person who has yet earned the right to forgo gym time for movie night, or salad for chicken wings. In due time, in moderation. But not right now.


I don't know where all my motivation went, but it seems to have gotten up and left me sitting here on my own back in my size 18 jeans.


There is a chance that I let myself slide out of 1st place on my priority list.

I am not happy with where I am.


I am not done on this journey.


And so today marks Day #1 of my 21 Days to Recreate My Best Habits program. Studies show it takes 21-28 days to create a habit, and that is what I need right now. My best success was when I had a schedule and stuck to it come hell or high water, and screw everyone else thankyouverymuch.
Very limited eating out.
Absolutely no eating out at places that don't provide nutritional information online.
No chocolate covered almonds.
Popcorn instead of potato chips.
Veggies instead of cheese. (*sigh. Dear cheese, why can't you be calorie-free!?)

So here it is:

I will find an online application that allows me to track my calorie intake, that is accessible at work, through stupid ^*$#@!( firewalls. And I will use it diligently.


Monday: Trainer Mike - weight resistance


Tuesday: Running Room walking clinic


Wednesday: Running Room walking clinic


Thursday: GYM. Non-weight-bearing cardio. Elliptical and/or bike.


Friday: Trainer Mike - weight resistance


Saturday: Off


Sunday: Running Room walking clinic


I have to make myself accountable, and I have to ask for, and take help wherever I can get it. Are you in?


Minimum of 6 hours working out a week. I can handle that.

I am most certainly worth that.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

Dear Guests.

Dear Guests,

We understand that you are in the middle of your honeymoon stage, but your ongoing displays of affection in public might be mildly annoying to the friends around you.

We also understand that while in this phase, it is normal to experience a heightened and sometimes insatiable libido. This may on occasion cause you to be late for dinner reservations, or require some extra attention paid to your housekeeping skills. This is perfectly normal, but definitely something to be mindful of, in an effort to minimize awkward and uncomfortable situations.

Cloud 9 really is a lovely and intoxicating place to be, so long as you also keep your pedicured feet planted on solid ground at the same time to maintain your independence, and individuality. These are just a few of the reasons you came together in the beginning, don't forget that.

Keep having fun and being honest with each other, as these are the building blocks of any solid lasting relationship.

Laugh as often as you can together. As you know, humour is a bonding aphrodisiac.

Don't be afraid to open up to each other, and expose those proverbial skeletons - love those, love each other.

Stand beside each other, stand up for each other and don't go to bed angry.

Never stop being bestfriends.

You are off to an amazing start, and I wish you all dee best,

Consuela

And The Diagnosis Is...

I have arthritis.
In both of my knees.
Osteoarthritis, to be precise.

At 34 years old. 

Quickly, here is some information:

Knee osteoarthritis is a degenerative disease of the knee joint. It is more common in people older than 40 years. Women have greater chance to be affected.

Here are the symptoms that I was experiencing that lead to me to go and get checked out finally:

• Pain
• Stiffness
• Decreasing range of motion

Osteoarthritis of the knee is predominately considered a "wear and tear" process, where there is gradual degradation of the hyaline cartilage that covers the articulating surfaces of the bones in the knee joint. In most people, the disease is either post-traumatic or hereditary.

Or, in my case, and completely within my control: obesity.

Ask me how upset and angry I am with myself right now.

Here are the possible treatment options:

Pharmacologic therapy (Tylenol; NSAIDS such as ibuprofen, naprosyn, etc.; glucosamine/chondroitin)

Intra-articular injection (steroid or hyaluronic acid preparations such as Synvisc or Supartz)

Weight loss
Low Impact Aerobic Exercise (walking, treadmill, elliptical, bike or stationary bike, swimming or water aerobics)

Physical therapy. Aims of physical therapy include:

• Pain and spasm relief
• Reducing stiffness
• Muscles strengthening
• Increasing range of motion
• Increasing flexibility
• Gait training
• Balance improvement
• Patient education
• Increasing functional activities
• Hydrotherapy
• Assistive devices (cane, walker)
• Surgical treatment (when nonsurgical management fails to provide relief)

So, with this tidbit of news (like a 2x4 to the head, really), I have been given a maximum 5 year window to lose the rest of this weight before my knees really start giving me hell. I already haven't been able to run since September, and I miss it. Slow as I may be at running, I still prefer it to walking extra-long distances for the same calorie burn.

I certainly haven't done my body any favours all these years, with all of those chicken wings. And so I took last night, and I am taking today too, to be angry, upset and disappointed in myself. And then I will shift my energy to focus on what I CAN do, as opposed to what I CANNOT change.

I hope that you are having an awesome day!
xoxox
~J

The last 12 days.

Pretty pink fingernails. Sleepovers. Road trips. iPods. Good friends. Plane rides. Cuddles. Movies. Scrabble. Kisses. Clear blue water. White sandy beach. Swimsuits. Beautiful bodies. Insecurities. Another brick off the wall. Discovering pina coladas. Laughter till tears. Piggy back pool rides. Swim up bar. Unwavering mutual adoration. Good mornings! Too much food. Linked hands. Sunscreen. Lost shades. Boyz Night. Drunken professions of love. High school make out sessions. Snacks. Room parties. Beach naps. Moonlit kisses. Unbelievable orgasms. Intertwined feet. Pillow talk. Male harems. Skeletons exposed. He loves me anyways. Honolulu Screws. Arm wrestling boys. Fedoras. Girlz Night. New friends. Water logged skin. Blackberry/Facebook/Email/Twitter-free. Bitches be crazy, yo'. Speedos. The arse is out of 'er. Oh. My. God. More kisses. More cuddles. More love. More making out. Late for dinner. Karaoke. Beach markets. Dear Guests... Road trip.

Home again.

Arse over tea kettle...

"Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

Off balance...

“To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”

~Liz Gilbert

I am a closet tree-hugger....

TREES

Trees know how to be. Just watch them.
They stand in stately magnificence to honour the splendor of the universe.
Some raise their arms in glory. Others bow in humbleness.

When they honour the nature of existence, they glorify themselves.
There is no resistance. They know they are one with nature.
Should a stone stand in the way, they grow around it.
If the wind blows, they bend with it.

When they break and fall, they submit themselves to their new purpose
Knowing that they continue to grow within that which grows after.

And so they continue magnificently – to be.

Sandra Christmas

Thank you for sharing this with me so long ago, D.
xoxox
~J

Eat Pray Love - aka my bible.

As I was breaking up with the first real (and worst possible) boyfriend I ever had, one of my best girlfriends gave me the book Eat Pray Love. I wasn't ready to read it until about 3 months later, and when I finally cracked the spine of that book, I couldn't put it down. I identified with the writer so much, that it felt like she was inside my head, writing my personal thoughts and feelings out for all to see.

It is a book that I have read multiple times, that I listen to at random on my iPod, and that I will not loan out to anyone. I will buy you a copy before I loan you mine.

I'm taking it with me to the beach this week. Every time I pick it up, my internal light gets a little bit brighter, I swear.

If you struggle with yourself, your place, your esteem, men, life, finding your way, being yourself, your path to enlightenment...this book is for you.

That's all.
xoxox
~J

"In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "
~Liz Gilbert

 “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
~Liz Gilbert

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
~Liz Gilbert


"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”   
~Liz Gilbert

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...”   
~Liz Gilbert

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
~Liz Gilbert

When I'm at my worst...

I can think of countless times in my life when this proverb applied.

As a child from my mother.


As a teenager from my friends, who are my chosen family.


As an adult from the people I am brave enough to show my worst to.

Worn out.

Check out my new shoes from The Running Room.

Built with stability for people who overpronate - like me. 

And these are the shoes I bought in January of 2010.

Apparently 10 months is a pretty long time for a pair of shoes in an active persons life.

For the first time in my whole life, I have worn out a pair of shoes.

FROM EXERCISE!!!

It isn't like I wore them for years, booting around town running errands and going to the movies, for them to finally call it quits on me.

No, no... I wore these through a couple of running clinics, a few races, countless weight lifting sessions with Trainer Mike, trips to the gym, and now my half marathon walking training.

I! Jennifer Bennett! Wore out a pair of shoes from exercise.

In my mind, that's a really big deal.

When is the last time you checked the bottom of your shoes?

Hope that your day is AWESOME!

xoxox

~J