Me first.

I am a giver. Always have been, always will be. I like this about myself.


Except that I used to take care of everyone else before I took care of myself. I would throw myself into the fire so that they wouldn't have to. I would nail myself to the cross and carry the burdens of those around me. I would get knee deep in their shit and fix it for them.... instead of fixing myself.

I gave, and gave, and gave until I had nothing left for myself. I wasn't in tune with myself and my feelings to be able to identify when I needed to reel things in, take it easy for awhile, and it resulted in me feeling resentful, angry, bitter, lonely, sad, tired...but wearing a smile anyways! See where I am going with this? Nowhere good.

Dare I even admit this? Damn it! I think I was a martyr. I shudder at the thought of that, because it is a quality I greatly dislike in others...but safe to say, that was me. Giving, and then complaining about giving. Doing for others, and then complaining about that too. Oh! And never ever accepting help. God noooooo. That would have made way too much sense.


My ridiculously busy calendar used to be a crystal clear picture of avoidance: greasy breakfast dates with friends, errands, shopping, wing night dates, avoiding, listening to others, helping others, ice cream dates, movies, tv shows, pub nacho dates, sleepovers, friends with benefits, fixing other peoples problems, pizza dates, buying way too many new purses, hot dog dates, pedicure dates, greasy lunch dates...and so the story goes.


I was giving because I liked the feeling of being 'needed' and it gave me a false sense of importance.
I was giving with the underlying hope that I would get back as much in return. Without ever having to ask for it. Wtf?! 

Now my calendar is a crystal clear slightly frosty (I am still learning) image of my priorities: work, love, friends, me time, much healthier food choices, walking dates, running dates, gym dates, coaching Running Room clinics (starting another Learn To Run starting March 19th), Film Club events, road trips, helping, supporting, volunteering, listening.... After I go to the gym and do something good for me first.

I am still a giver - this won't change - but I try to think of that stupid important airplane rule - putting my oxygen mask on myself, before helping anyone else!

And nowadays, when I give of myself, my time, money, energy or love, I don't expect anything back in return - because that isn't giving. It is giving with strings attached. Not. Fair.

No stone left unturned, I tell you...


Have an AWESOME day!
xoxox
~Jenn