We discuss work, life, issues, non-issues, food, food issues, movies, books, travel, sex, love, friends and his amazing teenage daughters.
Last week, I mentioned that when his girls are old enough (I've told them both that 20 is old enough), they will start dating. And I also mentioned that his girls will likely choose slightly nerdy, active, intelligent, charmers. Men just like their dad....
And my thought-provoking, deep-thinking, ever-so-gently-inquisitive friend comes back with "In your case, what does that say about the kind of men you choose?"
Well, what it used to say....was that I chose men who treated me unkindly, disrespectfully, and ultimately used me and left me high and dry. Some of them would leave, come back, and then leave again. Ironic? because that is what my father did.
I dated men who were awful fathers to their own children, and one man who was even going to sign away his rights to his only daughter. In good conscience and for my own well being, I didn't stick around long enough to find out if he ever did because, let's face it, if you are going to desert your kid, what the hell are you going to do to me?
Back then, I spent all of my time and energy pointing the finger and placing the blame on the men. That was certainly easier than looking in the mirror. Although, in fairness, many of them were genuine jerks. Some may have even been assholes. And one or two may have been certifiable. But what was I doing letting them in my life in the first place!? Why was I allowing myself to be used and abused by so many? (Don't judge me, but it kind of was many.)
Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn to men who couldn't get emotionally intimate with me due to their own shortcomings, pasts and issues...and given the fact that despite how far I have come and that I sometimes still question my emotional health and stability, I definitely wasn't ready for someone nice back then anyway. I wouldn't have known what to do with them, and I am quite certain that I would have fucked it up in celebrity style.
Now that I have standards for myself, and I make great efforts to only let quality men and women into my life, do I have what it takes to handle a great, stubborn, consistent, social smoking, ever-so-patient, loving, shove-me-out-of-my-comfort-zone man as my boyfriend?
I sure as shit hope so.
xoxox
~J
~J
2 comments:
Yes, yes, and more yes. I couldn't agree more. The best therapist I ever had told me to stop playing victim. That sure, there were some dysfunctional and/or abusive people in my life and they had harmed me, but that, as an adult, I was now responsible for who I let in and who I gave my power to. That was a huge revelation for me. I wasn't ready for healthy relationships fo any kind until I got healthy. Now my life is filled with really warm, loving, giving, respectful people, which I think is a reflection of how far I've come :)
Great post. Yes, it takes a lot of maturity to allow the right people into your life. Some achieve it easily, some never do. I'm glad that you've found a good place, in your life.
I, too, had my fair share of deadbeats that used me for sex, basically. And I let them, sadly enough. I didn't think enough of myself, at that time, to know differently. It was when I decided to go to college and thought to myself that no I'm not going to accept the advances of some deadbeat that I found my true love of my life. He wanted to talk to me, my face and hear my words. Not stare at my breasts and try to get into my pants. We became friends, then lovers. 30 years this September. Best decision I ever made in my life was to let him in.
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